


down in the forest

by vaporhalsey



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: F/M, Nature, forest, small town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-29 23:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 43,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6399355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaporhalsey/pseuds/vaporhalsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just two kids that have no idea what the fuck is going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

i remember the first time i saw michael clifford. i was seventeen and surprisingly sober. it was my friend sarah's graduation party and we were all so happy to just graduated high school.

i didn't talk to him that day. i just saw him sitting down on the couch next to his girlfriend ellie from where i was standing. the party was pretty boring so i left right away. i was tired. 

i regret leaving the party early. i regret not going up to michael and comfort him after the drama that happened. luke told me everything the next day. he told me about the slaps and screams. i remember feeling sorry for michael. 

i remember the second time I saw michael clifford. it was two weeks after the party. he was at the park alone. he had a camera strapped to his neck. i didn't say anything to him again. i wasn't sure if he saw me at the party and i did not want to make a fool of myself.

he was wearing an oversized tan sweatshirt and black jeans. his white hair was very messy and i found it so attractive. 

i was sitting down on a swing as i saw him pass by me. his full attention was on that camera he had on his neck. i never tought he was the kind of guy to have photography as a hobby.

i didn't know much about michael clifford back then. i just remember wanting to know more. all i knew was that his girlfriend could get violent and that he let her. 

the first michael and aylen conversation was about twenty one pilots. we were at luke's friends house. michael was there alone. ellie was at a cousins birthday party. the only reason i asked him about the band was because he has these forearm tattoos that match tyler's. 

i asked him if he got them inspired by tyler's tattoos and he surprisingly said yes. i could tell of the bat that twenty one pilots was his favorite band. his eyes were glowing as he talked about their music. 

he asked me what my favorite song by them was and i replied with save or oh ms believer. i am in love with the songs. always will. i asked him about his favorite song and he said he didn't know.

"i don't know. it's like asking me to describe a color that hasn't been seen my any human eyes," was what he replied to be exact.

i told him about the second time i saw him at the park. i asked him about the camera he had on his neck. he just smiled and said the liked taking pictures of things he loves. 

"is photography what you want to dedicate your life to?" I asked him.

"i'm not sure," he shrugged. "i'm not sure of many things actually. all I know is that i enjoy having my camera around with me to take pictures."

that's when he took out his camera from a backpack he left in the kitchen. the very first photograph michael clifford showed me was the hand he saw at the park. i didn't notice it at the park at the time and i wished i did. 

who knew this boy that likes taking picture of things he loves was going to be the most important person in the planet to me?


	2. Chapter 2

as i got older i've noticed many things about this world. one of them being that people don't like talking about religion. two, people don't like talking about feelings/emotions. three, people don't like talking about equality. 

you'd think it being 2014 people would be more verbal and accept what's different around them. guys don't really like talking about how the opposite sex is getting more and more recognition. guys also don't like talking about what they feel inside. some are so scared of commitment and heart break that they push away the only thing that will make them good. 

for example luke's friend calum. calum has been trying so hard not to fall in love with this girl he met in his sociology class. i can tell right away that he is absolutely smitten by her. who could blame him? the girl is gorgeous. 

i sit and observe all of the guys build the tents and make a fire. i always wanted to come camping and thankfully the weather is perfect for it. it was raven's idea and i was all for it. i only know luke, raven, and calum from all of these people and i'm weirdly okay with it. i always liked the idea of meeting new people. you never know who will pop out of the dozen and make a drastic change in your life. 

of course it's never happened to me but of course i was always a sucker for the cliche shit you see in movies. i love the idea of being in love with a stranger just as you set eyes on them. i love the idea of two people that never knew their world was going to turn upside down just by attending a party or just by hanging with friends. i don't think it would ever happen just because i keep a lot of things to myself. then again you never know.

i hold my thermos closer to me as the wind hits me. my beanie almost escaping my orange hair. i just sit it on my lap and take in the gorgeous view in front of me. you'd think by living in north dakota for a few months now i'd be an expert in camping. camping is literally all I used to hear about in high school. fishing, hiking, gambling, i never did any of it. 

i honestly just like going to the park and admire the view there. i was never really close to anyone enough for me to tag along and explore all of the sites. park river has a population of less than 3,000 people and that's really weird for me. i was born and raised in the city of atlanta, georgia. i was a city girl and this change really messed me up at first.

"hey aylen can you give me a hand with this?" luke says to me. i nod and sit my thermos down. 

"what do you need help with?" i ask him.

"nothing," he smiles. "i just don't want you being alone that's all. you're still my tent roommate right?"

"yeah. of course," i smile back. "so who are these people?"

we've been here for two hours already and no one really bothered introducing themselves. they just said hi and that's pretty much it. 

"i don't know really. they're all raven's friends. i think michael and ellie are coming in a little bit."

"oh they are?"

"yeah," he nods. "do you want to walk with me?"

"where?"

"i don't know. anywhere. i already set our tent so you can just leave your stuff there. i want to look around. the forest is very interesting. also, it's pretty boring right now."

"okay."

__

"you know you never told me your story aylen."

"what do you mean?"

"well i met you six months ago and you never told me why you moved. i don't really know many things about you." 

what is there to say? i moved in with my aunt? my dad forced me to move away from home? 

"i moved here because of personal reasons. i don't really want to talk about it. if that's okay?"

"totally," he nods. "i'm sorry i didn't know it was a topic you don't like talking about."

"it's fine," i assure. "i'm a pretty private person. i guess that's one of my many flaws."

"i've noticed," he sighs. "Not the flaw part. No oh god. I don't think you have any. I should shut up."

the rest of walk was pretty quite but relaxing in a way. it's chilly outside and all there is to hear is the sound of the leaves being stepped on by our shoes. the sun is setting in and i see the lake coming closer to us. 

"what about you?" i ask him. "give me the hemmo details."

"what do you want to know?" he smiles. luke always insists to call him hemmo. he actually thinks the nickname will catch on. doubt it. 

"whatever you think you want me to know."

"uh," he scratches his forehead. "i have two brothers. well you know that. you met both of them."

"jack only," i confirm. god when i first met jack i was not able to speak. i was lost for words in how pretty he was. 

"he's too old for you," he jokes and walks closer to me. our arms are touching now. i really hope he doesn't try to hold my hand or anything. 

"what else?" i smile and try to walk farther slowly. 

"i have lived in park river all of my life. i know how to play the guitar and i like doodling."

"you draw?" 

"yeah! dude i draw all of the time. you should come over one day and i can show you my sketchbook. they're mostly like trees and plants and stuff."

"do you do more than doodle? i used to do water color paintings a lot in my old middle school back in atlanta."

"why'd you stop?"

"i don't know really. i guess i didn't really try again since i didn't join art in high school."

"do you miss your friends back in georgia?"

"some."

"you never talk about them."

"i didn't really have friends. i mean i did but not as many as your. i have like this group of friends that i only hung out with. we were our own little clique you know?"

"i get it."

"i'm sorry if i'm boring you," i joke as i scrunch my nose up. "i don't really know what to say when talking about georgia. i was a pretty reckless asshole. not many good memories." 

"don't sweat it. it's not boring. i like listening to people."

"i can talk to you about my friend jackie if you want," i shrug not sure if he's interested enough.

"okay," he nods. "that's a good start, right?"

"well jackie is my best friend. she's the daughter of a close friend of my dads. we would always play with our dolls and try to bake stuff with our easy bake oven. when i told her i was going to move a few states away she was pretty bummed out."

"which is reasonable."

"i guess," i shrug. "i mean we were close when we were ten. as we got older and started high school we started getting a bit distant. we went to different schools and had different friends. i still considered her my best friend. like i said i'm pretty private and don't really let people in."

"i get it. calum is my best friend and he's pretty great. i don't know what i'd do if he ever moved hours away."

"probably sleep with your current girlfriend," i think to myself. 

"probably cry," i actually say. 

"probably," he giggles. "did you have anyone special back in atlanta?" 

"like date wise?"

"yeah. i mean if you're okay talking about it."

"well there was this guy. his name is carlos. we talked for like two years."

"you guys never dated?"

"i mean he technically never asked me to be his girlfriend but we did all of the things couples did. we went on dates, we called one another babe. it was something but not girlfriend or boyfriend something."

"why do you think he never asked you?" he asks. 

"maybe because he didn't like the idea of being taken," i shrug. "he would get jealous when i was around guys and stuff but when he was with girls i wasn't allowed to get upset."

"that's fucked up."

"tell me about it," i sigh. "it was the most confusing thing in the world. i really don't understand why i put up with his bullshit for those two years." 

"did you guys end it because you left?"

"kinda," i smile. "it's whatever now. it's the past and now i'm living here. not important anymore. what's important is that i'm here with you."

"really?" he smiles at me back. 

"yeah," i punch him lightly on the arm. "you're a great friend."

"friend," he nods and looks up straight. 

"friend," i repeat to myself. 

the rest of the walk we didn't say much. we just enjoyed each other's company. i started getting tired as we walked further. i think we did a huge circle of the camp site. it started getting pretty dark when we reached where we set up our stuff. 

more people arrived and i see michael's old pick up truck parked. i only know it's his truck because of the twenty one pilots sticker in the back.

they made two fires now and there's two groups of people in each. i see michael sitting down on the floor with his legs folded. he' dyed his again. i never knew a boy could look so good with a big black streak in the middle of his hair. he can totally pull off the skunk look. 

luke gets closer to me as we walk to raven. she smiles at me and pats down to the spot next to her. i sit and make awkward eye contact with michael. luke said ellie was going to come too but i don't see her anywhere.

"so you never told me who these people are," i whisper to raven. all these strangers seem to know one another. i see them giggle and talk like nothing is out of the ordinary. "are they all friends?"

"most of these kiddos are my cousins," she says. "we're all pretty close so we gather around sometimes like this."

"they all look around your age?"

"yeah," she giggles. "my grandma had seven kids so.."

"ah," i nod. 

"what about you?"

"what about me?"

"any sisters? brothers?"

"two brothers," i reply. 

"so you're the youngest?"

"yeah."

"do they live here too?"

"no," i frown. "i wish they did. they got a scholarship to a university in atlanta so they stayed."

"you didn't get one?"

"i mean i graduated high school here. i don't think they would've sent me one. plus, i didn't really get good grades or joined clubs."

"i really need to start applying for a uni too. i keep procrastinating."

"didn't you say you disliked school?" i ask her. 

"yeah well," she sighs as she lights up a cigaret. "i don't know anymore aylen. i'm still debating. i really want to do something with my life. i can't just live off working at a grocery store. i want to be a make up artist or a tattoo artist. something that can make me quick money." 

"you should just wait it out until you waste money on it then if you're not sure yet."

"you're doing spring semester, right?"

"yeah. i'm pretty nervous about it. new campus and new faces."

"every face here is always new for you," she smiles. "i'm glad you met me. you met the right gal to show you around if you ever want to see anything here."

i just nod. the fire feels nice on my face. the heat making my my face feel warm. the smoke making my eyes watery. i look in front of me and i find michael staring. i stare back and he doesn't looks away. 

the fire is showing me every detail of his face and i am very impressed. he has no flaws. i have never seen such a flawless human in my life. his skin looks so smooth and soft. 

when i first saw michael clifford was at a party. the room was dark and i just noticed his bright white hair. the second time it was his hair again and his sweatshirt. the third time was his lips. as we talked all i could focus on was his lips. they were so plump and pink. this time. this time, the third time i see michael clifford i noticed his eyes. his eyes are just as gorgeous as him. they're green. oh god, they're so green. 

"do you want a hit?" raven asks me. i nod and get a hold of the cigaret. my eye contact with michael never finished. i still stare back as i inhale the tobacco. i hand raven back the cigarette and she smiles. i look back at michael and he's looking down at his camera. 

"so how do you guys knows michael?"

"he's ashton's step brother."

"who's ashton?" 

"him," she says as she points at a very fit boy that's talking to luke. 

"oh shit." 

that was luke's friends house. the house where i first talked to michael. that must've been michael's house as well. michael's step brother is the complete opposite of him. he looks very fit and very carefree. his hair is in a bun and he is oddly very tan. michael seems like the shy type. he is very pale. 

"he's hot isn't he?"

"who?" i whisper. 

"ashton."

"in a way," i shrug. "he's not my type."

"what is your type then?"

"i don't really know," i giggle. "i'm not sure why i said that."

"but he is attractive right?"

"yeah," i shrug. "he has nice teeth."

"are you a lesbian?"

"what?" i laugh loudly. "a lesbian? no!"

"okay because ashton irwin is very much attractive."

"hey guys," michael says and smiles as he sits next to raven. 

"hi," we both reply. 

"aylen, right?" he asks me. 

"michael, right?" i tease. 

"right," he smiles. "i didn't know you liked camping."

"guess you don't know much about me."

"i would like to if you let me," he challenges.

__

 

you really get to know a person when you're both alone and it's five in the morning. i don't know why the time matters but it always does (well, most of the time). maybe it's just the time where you feel vulnerable and just want to pour everything out that's been built up for so long. i read that you feel more comfortable with someone around this time. it's weird really. 

i couldn't sleep inside my tent and i had to escape it for a little while. it was fucking freezing outside. i quickly added on another sweatshirt on top of my long sleeve. everybody went to sleep around three in the morning. at least that's what i thought. i see michael sitting down by the fire. a blanket is wrapped around his body. 

i decided on sitting next to him since no one else is awake and i don't want to be alone in this forest. i've heard that it snows in the winter here and i am very fucking excited about it. i've only seen snow twice in my whole life and i feel like my eyes needs more images of real life snow.

"what are you drinking?" i ask the skunk haired man.

"coffee," he replies. "do you want some? i have to heat up some water up."

"yeah," i smile. "that'd be nice." 

"i don't have sugar with me or milk. i'm just drinking it straight black."

"it's fine. i have my own cream in my bag."

"really?" he chuckles. "you brought cream but no coffee?"

"who said i didn't bring coffee? you offered so i said yes."

"true," he smiles and gets a water bottle from the cooler. the fire in front of us is very big and is lighting up the whole site. it's pretty warm now and it feels amazing. "couldn't sleep?"

"no," i sigh. "luke snores pretty loud." 

"better to have a snorer than someone that talks in their sleep."

"who talks in their sleep?"

"someone i know," he snorts. "she just talks and talks and i can't really sleep around her. it has to be completely silent where i am so i could sleep well."

"is that person your roommate for tonight?"

"yeah. she's in the tent. she wasn't feeling good tonight so you'd think her talking would be gone. nope."

"then why would she come?"

he just shrugs. i dismiss myself to retrieve my cream from my backpack from inside the tent. luke has not moved from where i left him.

"we probably won't be able to sleep after this," he smiles and hands me the mug. "you have vanilla cream?"

"yeah?"

"that's my favorite too."

"do you want some in yours?"

"i'm good," he smiles again. "thanks."

"so how do you know luke?"

"he's a friend of my step brother ashton."

"so mom? dad?"

"my mom is the one that got remarried. ashton's dad married her," he says blankly. "it happened like two years ago. my parents were only married for like a month. they never really liked one another. they just felt like it was the right thing to do because my mom was pregnant with me."

"so she was always single?"

"no. she would have boyfriend after boyfriend. she never settled down until she met ashton's dad."

"and you like him?"

"john or ashton?" 

"both?" i reply curiously.

"they're both cool," he shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. "john calls me son and everything but i don't feel right calling him dad. i'm close to my own father. he comes and visits every three months. he's in california right now because of work."

"well at least you have a good relationship with both of your parents."

"i don't really get along with my mom. i wanted to move with my dad but i can't because my mom has full custody of me. i'm still seventeen." 

"oh," is all i say. i don't want to ask him why. i don't know him well enough. i also don't know if he's comfortable talking about this. "i'm sorry."

"it's fine," he assures me. "we just don't see things the same and we always argue. i love her to death, i mean she's my mother."

"what are you going to do when you're eighteen?"

"i don't know. i might move with my dad in california."

"have you ever visited there?"

"no but it looks cool from what i see online."

i don't say anything. i just drink my coffee. the warm drink is making me shiver. i have goosebumps now. i see michael from the corner of my eye removing the blanket. 

"here," he says as he sets it on top of me.

"oh n-" i try to say.

"keep it. i know you're cold. i have a jacket and gloves on. i'm good."

"thank you," i smile. 

"so what about you?"

"my parents?"

"we don't have to talk about them. we can talk about you. i don't know much about you. i just know that you apparently like the woods and twenty one pilots like myself."

"there's not much to me honestly. i really like riding my motorcycle and i like to bake."

"you have a motorcycle?"

"yeah," i admit. "it's a 2010 Suzuki Bandit. i got it when i turned fifteen."

"you're not like any girl around here are you?"

"if you didn't know this michael, i'm not from here."

"where are you from?"

"atlanta," i inform him. 

"what the hell are you doing all the way over here then?"

"wanted to come and see the cows," i joke.

"no really," he smiles. "tell me."

wow, his teeth are so straight. wow.

"i moved in with my aunt. that's it. nothing much to it."

"okay," he nods and lays his hand on his chin. "do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"i have two brothers. omar is the oldest, ross is the second oldest, and i'm the youngest."

"house full of boys. no wonder you have a motorcycle and wear beanies like there's no tomorrow."

"beanies?" i giggle.

"well you wore one the first time i met you and you're wearing one right now," he points at my grey beanie that's on my head. "i have a couple of beanies i don't use anymore if you'd like them."

"oh no. thank you, it's fine. i don't want your girlfriend to get upset with me."

"how do you know i have a girlfriend?"

"raven told me. why? was that top secret information?"

"no," he shrugs and throws twigs to the fire. "what else did raven tell you about ellie?"

"nothing else; she just said you have a girlfriend. i've only seen her once. she has really pretty hair. did she get you into dying your hair?"

"i got her into it actually. she didn't really like the idea of cutting her hair or painting her nails. she didn't like my kind of music. then, she met me and well you know."

"bad boy changing the girl," i snort. 

"i don't consider myself the bad boy type. i mean look at me. look at these arms. i'm lanky."

"you're not luke lanky," i point out.

"luke is just tall. he has all that muscle underneath him."

"tell me about her," i change the subject. i want to know more about this ellie girl that raven talks to poorly about. 

"ellie?" 

"yeah," i smile. "what's she like? how did you guys meet?"

"we met in school. i was at a different high school and they had clubs during lunch. i know how to play guitar. me and other students decided on teaching other students how to play. she came one day with her friend raquel and yeah, we hit it off from there. she's very.. i don't know how to put it. she has to have things a certain way."

"she doesn't like change?"

"exactly. if i ever move her things from her room she flips the fuck out."

"maybe it's just her things she doesn't like being messed with."

"yeah. i had to learn the hard way too."

"what do you mean?"

"it's nothing. i love her and all but she drives me crazy most of the time. you'd think after being together two years she'd try to understand i'm not going to care if she likes her stuff a certain way."

"i didn't know you guys were together that long, wow."

"yeah, it mind blows me too. putting up with so much in a relationship that feels like is going nowhere."

i don't say anything. i just stare at my empty mug. it's probably about to be six in the morning because i can see the sky changing already. the pinks and oranges are coming out. the stars long gone. 

"i'm sorry i'm telling you all of this. ellie is amazing and kind. she can get pretty complicated at times but that's just how a relationship is."

"it's fine. i just don't want you saying all of these things and regret telling me. i know we don't really know one another and this information is for the people you are close too."

"is it bad that i feel close to you already? i mean i don't know much about you, but i can tell you right now that i want to know it all."


	3. Chapter 3

it's crazy how everyone in this world is different; different life, voice, face, eyes, we are all  so fucking different and that is flipping amazing! so why do we want to be the same as someone sometimes? why do we want to be like the model we see in magazines if we are a specific person with specific characteristics? why don't we realize those models are photoshopped and are paid to be pretty? we don't think and that's what's wrong most of the time. why don't we think about our favorite thing about ourselves instead of what we want to fix/change?

i see myself in the mirror at times and just look at the many freckles i have all over my face. the freckles that i dreaded for most of life, now i can't imagine myself without them. i guess it just takes time to fall in love with the things that make you a little bit different. 

i constantly remind my friend raven how gorgeous her skin color is. i would love to be a little bit darker, i'm way too pale for my liking. her skin color is so rich and just makes her glow. it just upsets me so much seeing someone so beautiful be upset about something that isn't worth being upset about. 

as i get ready for orientation i noticed that the campus is actually fairly small. when i signed in up front they said to follow the signs. the signs took me to the auditorium and it's huge. this campus is probably really into drama. 

i look at the rows and noticed michael's step brother seated in the last row. he looks at me and smiles. i wave hello and he points at the chair next to him. great. i hardly talk to the guy. i am actually very surprised he remembers me.

"i didn't know you were applying to be in this school?" he says surprised as i got closer to him.

"here i am," i smile. "where's michael? is he not signing up for this semester?" 

"you do know he's still in high school right?" he giggles. "the boy is seventeen. he's a senior this year."

"i knew the age but i figured he'll turn eighteen this year?"

"he just turned seventeen," he laughs even harder. "he turned seventeen like two days ago."

"but he has a truck and he doesn't even look like he would be that ag-"

"his dad is rich," he shrugs. "yeah, it's all the hair dye that makes him look older."

"but he's always around people our age?"

"he's pretty close with my friends so they all hang and invite him places. i don't mind, it's good for him. it takes him away from that little world of his."

"that's crazy," i'm honestly so fucking mind-fucked. "i don't know why i was thinking he was around our age."

"the tattoo probably," he shrugs again. "his friend did it. his mom was so pissed at him for a good week."

"do you have any tattoos?"

"i don't believe in permanent things."

___

orientation was such a fail. we were seated a good hour then they announced it will be postponed because of the rain. they wanted to show us all of the buildings and they are all scattered around and requires us to be outside. 

"do you have a ride?" ashton asks me. "i can take you home if you'd like?"

"i can wait for my aunt it's okay."

"nonsense," he rolls his eyes. "c'mon."

"thank you."

"no problem," he nods and guides me to the parking lot.

"oh my god it is raining hard," i comment as i see rain fall down from the glass doors.

"here," he says as he takes off his jacket. "put this on top of your head."

"oh god no i'm okay. you're already taking me home, i don't want to trouble you some more."

"shut it," he sighs gives it to me. 

"okay," i giggle and put it over my head. i feel silly but beats getting wet right? 

"we're running, okay?"

"what?" 

"my car is sorta all the way in the back."

"oh fuck," i say to myself as he opens the door and begins running. i try to catch behind him and i almost trip on my own feet. fucking amazing aylen!

"fuck!" ashton groans as he drops his keys. he's completely wet and his clothes is stuck to his body. you can see how muscular he is from his soaked white t-shirt. "it's open now."

i quickly get inside and i begin to laugh at ashton's hair. he is completely wet and he is panting. "it's cold."

"do you want your jacket?"

"no it's cool. i have a sweatshirt back here," he explains as he takes off his shirt. i quickly turn around and look at the rain. it's pouring cats and dogs outside and it reminds me of atlanta. 

"are you okay?"

"yeah," i nod not looking at him. "are you?"

"i'm dressed now."

"oh," i smile and look at him. oh god he took off his bun. i have never seen him without a bun and god does he look like an angel with long hair. 

"see, my jacket saved the day. you are welcome."

"i'll let you burrow my jacket next time."

"next time?" he smiles. 

"sure," i shrug.

"how about movies this friday? you and me?"

"what do you want to watch?"

"do you like scary movies?"

"it's all i ever watch."

which is true. scary movies now aren't scary at all. i find humor in most of them actually. the pop ups are the only things that make me jump out of my seat then i recover and laugh at the idiot person that goes in the attic or something. my brothers would always take me to watch it with them so i can sit in the middle of them two so that when they're scared they'll hold me. 

"good," he smiles. "where do you live?

"do you know where raven lives?" 

"raven clearwood?"

"yeah."

"she lives by that farmers market right?"

"yeah. i live like two blocks from her."

"cool," he says as he turns on the car. "do you want to listen to your music?"

"i'm okay. my phone is almost dead."

"suit yourself," he shrugs and plugs in the aux cord to his phone. intro by the xx starts playing and it's actually pretty relaxing how it goes with the rain.

the downside of living in a small town is that you have to drive an hour to get to the main city to shop or buy other stuff. this college is an hour from where my aunt lives and it's going to be such a pain in the ass. as much as i love my bike i need to get a car soon. i can't ride a bike to school everyday, it might rain one day and my books will get ruined or my laptop. 

"you know we can ride together to school," ashton says out of nowhere. did i fucking say that out loud?

"i'll make you breakfast in exchange for a ride."

"it's fine aylen, really. i don't mind. i hate driving alone. it's better for me because i like my company."

"shut up i'll make you breakfast."

he just rolls his eyes and turns on the heater slightly. "my brother was talking about you on his birthday."

"what did he say?"

"well before people came he was telling me how awful he felt not being able to invite you."

"why didn't he?"

"well one, he doesn't have your number. two, ellie would kill him. three, he was scared to invite you."

"why would he be scared?"

"i don't know," he shrugs. "hey, speaking of number, you should give me yours."

"smooth," i giggle as he hands me his cellphone. "hey can i talk to you about something?"

"anything."

"i don't know if it's true but it's been really bothering me."

"okay?" i hand him his cellphone back and take a deep breath before saying what i want to say. 

"i don't know if it's appropriate."

"just spit it out."

"is it true that.. um, ellie.. does she like hit michael?"

"who told you that?" his grip on the steering wheel is tighter and i'm not sure if i offended him. 

"i over heard people talk about it at the camp site," i lie.

"ellie is a sweet girl. she can't do any harm. i don't know why people would say that."

"oh," is all i say. 

"don't believe everything you hear aylen it's not good for the soul."

"i'm sorry. i was just curious."

"curiosity can kill the cat y'know."


	4. Chapter 4

i'm actually pretty nervous about this. i haven't been on a 'date' or whatever this is in months. i don't really think it's a date, i hardly know the guy. i insisted on picking him up in my aunts car since he's paying for the ticket. took a lot of convincing (well technically i told him i wouldn't go if he didn't accept the ride) and he finally agreed. 

i drive up their driveway and turn off my car. michael's pick up truck is parked as well. hopefully he's there, i haven't seen him in a week or two. i decided on wearing a sweatshirt and black pants because it's freaking cold outside and i'm not trying to freeze to death. the air is fucking killer, i think i need to take a hot bath after this honestly. 

i take a deep breath and finally get out of the car. hopefully this hang out doesn't turn into awkward talks or dead silence. i walk up the stairs and knock on the front door and wait a few seconds until i see someone looking into the corner of the window. they are not sneaky what so ever. 

"hi?" ellie greets me confused as she opens the door. "who are you looking for?"

"ashton," i reply with a shy smile. "is he here?"

"yeah," she shrugs and looks me up and down. "come in i guess. he's upstairs. does he know you're here?"

"i'd hope so?" i'm sorry but why is she asking so making fucking questions and why the hell does it matter to her?

the house inside looks much different in the day. it's actually really pretty and i'm actually shocked how big it is. usually, houses around this area are very small and usually two bedrooms. this house is a mansion compared to the others that have farms.

"hi," i smile and wave at michael who is seated on the couch. he looks up and seems almost scared.

"h-hi," he stutters. "i'm ashton's stepbrother michael."

"i know?" i giggle confused. "why didn't you tell me it was your birthday a few days ago?"

"i'm sorry but do i know you?" he asks. i'm not sure if he's fucking with me or not.

"okay," i snort and sit down. "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"can you not talk to my boyfriend like that please? be respectful. he doesn't know you obviously so fuck off."

"ellie," michael says as he stands from the sofa. "let's go upstairs."

"okay," she shrugs and smiles at me. 

i roll my eyes and not even looking at michael again. what the hell is his problem?

"you ready?" ashton giggles as he passes michael and ellie down the stairs.

"where are you guys going?" michael asks. 

"we're going to a hotel," i smile and flick him off. 

___

"what was that all about?" ashton finally asks me. i'm not sure how far this movie theater is but i've been driving for a good amount of time. he keeps telling me we're close so i just keep going.

"the thing with michael?"

"yeah. aren't you guys like good friends?"

"i mean he hangs out with the same people i do, so we meet up time to time but never by ourselves." 

"he told me about your birthday by the way."

"what did he say?"

"you two hung out in the woods or something. which is extremely weird considering the fact that your birthday is on the same day as ellie's." 

"is it?" i gasp. "he didn't mention it."

"of course he didn't," he sighs. "he was in an argument with her."

"oh," is all i say. 

"did he tell you something back in the house? he can be weird sometimes when ellie is around him."

"i just said hi and mentioned his birthday."

"what did he say to that?"

"he was just like do i know you?" 

"are you fucking serious?" he looks at me shocked. "what did you say after that?"

"i was just like what's wrong with you? i'm not sure if he was joking or not, then little miss purple hair got all protective."

"oh god," he rolls his eyes and giggles. "they're both a mess. don't listen to ellie, she's all talk."

"but i don't understand why he would say that? clearly he knows who i am, right?"

"yeah. of course he knows you. i'll talk to him about it tonight or something."

"'no it's okay ashton, really."

"it is not okay," he says a little bit more serious. "he was being rude for no reason. he needs to apologize."

"where are we anyways? where's the movie place?"

"close," he giggles. 

____

"i'm driving back," ashton says as he opens the door for me. 

"okay," i smile. 

the movie was actually really boring but ashton genuinely looked terrified. we decided on watching the new purge movie. the movie was not scary, it was more of an action movie. not sure how ashton was gripping on the seat the whole time. i decided to lay my head on his shoulder for most of it seemed like I was the one scared for his benefit.

i hand ashton the keys and as he takes them he gets a hold of my hand. his hands are soft in a way. i look down at them then him. he isn't looking at me. he's just smiling as he looks at the floor. i don't want to be rude and remove my hand from his so i leave it.

"do you want to go for some frozen yogurt?"

"i can't," i scrunch up my nose. "I'm lactose intolerance."

"oh. i'm sorry."

"i'm fucking with you," i laugh.

"dick," he laughs with me. "do you want some?"

"yeah," i continue giggling.

he opens the passenger door for me and i thank him. the sun is out, yet it's still cold outside. i'm really not sure why we're going to eat frozen yogurt in this weather but i'm not complaining. 

 

the more i look at ashton, the more attractive i find him. the way he dresses mind blows me at times. his style is different from carlos's, or luke's, even michael. he usually has his hair in a bun and a jacket with some black boots. 

today he's wearing a polka dot button up shirt with black jeans and black boots. his hair is up in a bun and god he is breath taking. the way his eyes squint when he giggles. the way he looks down when he gets nervous. why did i tell raven i didn't find him attractive? now i understand where she's coming from.

i can find myself dozing off as he drives us to the yogurt place. i didn't even know this small town had a place like that. i guess i need to start exploring this town more. 

"can i ask you something?" 

"sure," he smiles. 

"where is your mom?"

"not sure," he shrugs. "i never met her." 

"oh. i never met my mom either."

"guess we have that in common don't we?"

"i guess we do."

"why don't you know her?"

"she died while giving birth," i answer.

"oh, i'm sorry."

"she was really fragile i guess. it's whatever."

"my mom left my dad when i was around three to be with another guy."

"you haven't seen her since then?"

"nah," he shrugs. "i really don't care. i don't have any memories of her. my dad is all i ever need, oh and karen."

"who's karen?"

"michael's mom. she's the nicest lady in the entire world. i'm happy my dad found her y'know? it used to always be us two. i knew he would feel lonely at times and i hated it. i even tried hooking him up with my teachers."

"oh god," i snort. "how was that?"

"horrible actually," he giggles. "i lowkey just wanted him to end up marrying one of my teachers so i can get good grades."

"did you just say lowkey?"

"i read it on twitter okay! it sounded trendy."

__

"thank you again for the frozen yogurt," i say as i park on his driveway. "i had a great time surprisingly." 

"hey you'll have a great time when you're with me," he smiles and boops my nose. "maybe round two soon?"

"maybe," i agree. 

"do you want to come inside?"

"no thanks," i smile and point at michael's truck.

"right," he rolls his eyes. "i will handle this, okay?"

"okay," i nod. "goodnight ashton.

"goodnight red," he smiles and kisses my cheek. 

"red?" 

"red," he says again and giggles as he opens the door.

i sigh as I look at the time. it's almost nine thirty. my aunt is going to kill me. she told me to be home by eight because of her hair appointment. i feel my phone vibrate from the cup holder and i quickly unlock it. 

'i'm sorry, will explain later.' it says. the area code is local. it's probably michael. i lock my phone again and decided on just leaving him on read.


	5. Chapter 5

i always feel like i pour myself out to strangers on the internet more than the people i know. that is a such huge flaw of mine and i hate it. maybe it's because of the fact that i don't really trust anyone here after what jackie did to me. also, i get pretty shy at times when it comes to areas i don't know. which is why i started investing myself in social media more than before.

maybe it's not a flaw of mine. maybe, i'm just so used to people fucking me over that the only people that won't hurt me, are people i don't know? it doesn't make sense when i say it out loud, but it makes sense to me. finding people that make you feel safe and happy are easy to find if you know how to pick them.  once you find them it's hard to let them go.

i guess that's why i sorta hate getting attached to people. from what graduating high school/moving taught me is that no one is permanent. people will always be temporary and that sucks. it sucks because you get so used to them then one minute it's like they never existed. once you're attached to someone you're fucked and that's a fact. losing communication with someone you've been friends with for years hurts like a mother fucker. 

i started talking to this guy from california. his name is steven and he is literally the sweetest person in the world. steven and i have been talking for about four months now, and i think we're pretty close. we've facetimed a few times and i like how we can tell one another mostly anything.

the best thing about not knowing steven in person is that he doesn't know anyone i know. the stuff that i share with him only stays with him and if he does tell someone, who really cares? it's not like he can say it to a friend of mine from atlanta or here. 

also, it's crazy how much you can trust a person you don't know. you just feel like deep connection with them as you type on a little screen. i don't know what it is about internet friends that makes me feel all warm inside. i guess it's also the fact that we listen to the same artists/bands. once you meet someone with the same interest as you you're settled. that's just automatic friendship there.

i trust steven and all with everything but not with the story on why i moved here. i don't think i'll ever trust anyone with my story. sure, i told him the reason why i did something that intense but i didn't tell him what i did. i don't think he'll see me the same. i don't think anyone will see me the same honestly. but do i regret doing it? no. was it worth being punished and forced to move away from my home? yes. why? because I liked doing it. 

i did however mention michael to steven. i didn't really have much to say about michael actually, since i don't really know him. what i did tell him was that he was odd. not odd in a "oh he's so weird" way. more like an odd that makes you not care how little you knew. the odd that makes you want to know more. 

michael is a boy that's rather shy but will tell what's going on in his mind. it's more like he blurts out what he thinks right in that moment without thinking about it first. that's the thing i like about michael. he looks like he cares about what you think but he really doesn't. he only cares when he cares for you. which is reasonable. he is human. i haven't talked to him since i went out with ashton a few days ago. 

i also mentioned ashton to steven. now, ashton is more complicated. ashton is too confident that it makes him seem like a cocky asshole. i used to find that very attractive about him. now it's getting a little out of hand. am i a bad person? i slept with the guy on the second date. i don't think that considers me a 'slut'. it's not like i always sleep with random people? also, he isn't a random guy. so that means i'm off the hook. right?

ashton swore he was going to be the best thing i have ever had.. that's where the cocky came in place. boy if only he knew what i had.. he wasn't bad.. but he wasn't the best i ever had. 

on the second date he took me out to eat dinner, and by dinner i mean a spaghetti warehouse that i've gone to a few times with my aunt. the place isn't bad at all, i actually love it. i just hate the fact that we can't do much in this small town. we didn't feel like driving an hour to get to the big city so we settled there. hell, he could've taken me to a fast food place and i would be greatful. 

one of my biggest weaknesses is when a guy touches my thigh and starts to gently go up and down with his thumb. ashton was driving me home when he started doing it. i immediately got wounded up and told him i didn't feel like going home yet. he was fine with not taking me home, so we decided to just stop by at a gas station to buy cigarettes and sprite. 

we went to the park late at night and no one was around. the only people were him and i. i felt safe in a way? i don't know why. we sat on the stairs that take you to the slide and just talked. we talked about how my hair is getting long and how ashton's hair will probably get there soon. i talked about my brothers and it made me miss them more. he said he wished he had a sibling his age when growing up. he was pretty lonely when it was just him and his dad. 

he loves the fact that he has a brother now. he says he loves michael to death and sucks how they aren't blood related. he also told me he's scared his dad and michael's mom would get a divorce. he wouldn't know what to do if him and michael had to go with their parents and not see one another anymore. which of course broke my heart. i am so close to my older brothers.

i honestly can't imagine my life without my big brothers. they're my everything. they're my best friends. there's something about ashton that makes you want to pour your whole life story to. but he also has those vibes that will make you regret telling him. 

i guess after a little while it started to get more late and my eyes were feeling droopy. ashton said my tired eyes are kinda nice. that's when i kissed him. it was our first kiss and i'm not sure why i decided to kiss him. i'm also not sure why i started to grope him as i was on top of him. he didn't reject my hold so i kept going until finally we were both naked.

we laughed after because it was fucking freezing outside and the slide was not comfortable whatsoever. but i did find it hot how we had sex in a public area. the idea of getting caught by someone. i knew the chances were slim, but we don't know for sure. we don't know what can happen in a small town like this. 

_____

"you know sooner or later i have to meet this boy," auntie ledia says to me. "you always say you're going out and i never know who you're going with. i need to know who you're with aylen."

"you know luke and raven," i remind her. "i don't really hang out with anyone else but them."

"what about that ashton boy you've gone out with a few times? when am i going to meet him?"

"he's just a friend aunt ledia. i will introduce to you a boy when he's a boyfriend of mine. we aren't really official so i would find it weird if i do. you know what i mean?"

"you introduced me that luke boy. is he a boyfriend?"

"god no," i snort. "he's just a friend, you know that. i think it will be appropriate to introduce you to ashton when i know he's worth introducing. i can't let him meet you if i know things with him won't last. i need to know where this thing we have going on is taking me."

"so you aren't sure if things with him will last?"

"i guess?" i shrug. "he's odd."

"so you're okay with hanging out with a boy that buys you dinner and takes you out without knowing what he wants from you?"

"yeah. it's nothing bad. it's not like i'm a one night stand to him aunt ledia. i just want to have fun and hang out with him and see where it goes. if it happens to get more serious then i will introduce you two."

"good," she smiles. "can i see a picture of him?"

"who says i have pictures of him on my phone?"

"please," she rolls her eyes. "just let me see."

i hate how right she is. i do have a few pictures of ashton on my phone and that's because he started it first. he would always says "now!" and take a picture of me when i'm not paying attention. it's like a game of ours. we take pictures of one another no matter what we're doing or where we are almost if we're each other's personal paparazzi. the only semi clear photo of him that i have on my phone is when he picked me up yesterday to get some coffee and finish picking our classes online. we decided on getting sociology together since we both need the class.

"here," i show her my phone.

ashton was looking at his phone when i took the picture. he looks really good with the haircut he got. i actually flipped out when i saw him with shorter hair. i loved the hair that was up to his shoulders.  he looks more young with this haircut and if suits him in a way.

 

"oh," she smiles. "if he looks like this then i wonder what does dad look like."

"Oh my god," I giggle. "We need to find you a boyfriend."

"i was thinking about joining online dating websites. do you think that's a good idea? my friend amalia was telling me about it during our lunch hour. you remember her right?"

"oh yeah. she's the one with the blonde hair right? she came over so she could watch the tv shows you have recorded."

"yes her. she was telling me how she's been talking this guy that lives in the big city. they just met a few nights ago. she said he was very charming."

"maybe something is wrong with him."

"why do you say that?"

"i mean he's talking to women online," i snort.

"don't you talk to that one guy online as well? what's the big deal? just because we're adults doesn't mean it's wrong."

"i'm not going to date steven?"

"okay," she smiles. 

"i'm serious."

"i believe you. maybe i'll meet him before ashton."

"aunt ledia!" i groan. "i don't think i'll even meet him myself."

"why not?"

"because that's like all across the country. i also don't have the money for it. it's also pointless. i don't think i would want to meet him. i like him as an internet friend. not personal friend."

"you're so weird," she sighs. "do you want more rice?"

"no thanks. i'm full. do you want me to do the dishes?"

"no but i think you should open the front door."

"what?"

"well this guy has been outside for five minutes now and i think he wants to talk to you."

"what gu-"

i turn around and michael is outside. he's wearing the same tan sweatshirt i saw him in when i was at the park. 

"remind me to close the blinds next time we're eating okay?"

"oh c'mon aylen."

"that's the guy i told you about."

"the one that pretended he didn't know you?"

"yeah," i sigh. "can't i just go to my room and pretend i didn't see him?"

"go talk to him."

"okay," i mumble and walk to the front door. 

"hopefully he'll be the one i get introduced to!" aunt ledia says as i shut the door.


	6. Chapter 6

"excuse me sir but you must have this house mistaken for another. apparently, you don't know the person that lives here."

"aylen," Michael smiles. "can we tal-"

"talk? no. what the hell do you want? why are you here?"

"i'm here to explain myself," he sighs. "i'm sorry."

"okay?"

"i know what i did was fucked up and i understand you don't want to see me. i know you didn't want to reply my text messages so i rather just come here and clean this mess up."

"the mess is done michael. just let it be. i don't think i want to be friends with someone that acts like they don't know me. if we even were friends."

"just hear me out aylen. please," he begs. "just five minutes of your time."

i don't say anything. i just stand in front of him and wait for him to say something. he dyed his hair again. he has a beanie on but i can see a few strands of neon blue hair popping out. 

"ellie doesn't really like me having friends that are girls. she gets extremely jealous."

"there's no reason to be."

"i know. she's very hard headed. i want us to be friends. we might not know each other much but i hate the idea of knowing someone dislikes me."

"that's very selfish of you," point out. "this is basically all for your benefit."

"it's not. it's for our benefit. you're dating my brother which means we're going to see one another often. don't want it to be awkward."

"i'm not dating ashton."

"what?"

"he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet, which means we're not dating."

"i assumed you guys were. he always talks about you."

"well no," i shrug. "we're just doing our thing i guess."

"oh."

"tell ellie i'm not a threat or whatever she thinks i am. i'm not interested in guys that are younger than me."

"you're not?"

"nope. i usually go for the guys my age or couple of years older."

"okay," he smiles. "i guess we can just wait and see then."

"what does that mean?"

"whatever you want it to mean aylen."

"i'm not going to have a crush on you michael."

"okay. i didn't say anything about it," he snorts and hops off his trunk and closes it. "not saying it's going to be a crush."

"you're like a year younger than me. you could be like my brother."

"incest sounds nice."

"you're sick."

"let's hang out tomorrow."

"why?"

"why not? i want to make it up to you for being a dick."

"i don't know," i sigh. "i have to buy clothes tomorrow since the semester begins soon."

"i can take you to the mall."

"the mall is an hour away."

"means we can spend more time together," he nudged me. "please?"

"i don't want ashton being weirded out by this."

"we were friends first remember that."

"what time?" 

"noon," he smiles. 

"don't you have school tomorrow?"

"i'll skip for you."

"oh no. you are going to school."

"nah," he smiles again and walks to the front of his truck. "it's the end of the year so we're just watching movies in class. i'm not missing much. don't be such a mom, it's kind of a turn off."

"i'm going to ignore the fact that you said that."

"fine. can i get a hug goodbye?"

not really sure why he asked. he did it anyways. i hug him back and rest my head on his shoulder. i'm actually surprised about this. guys are usually way taller than me. michael must be two inches taller. i felt him wince when our bodies touched. 

"are you okay?"

"yeah," he smiles. "I'll catch you tomorrow then?"

"are you sure you're okay?"

"i'm always okay aylen."

i nod and watch him get on his truck. i noticed fallout by catfish and the bottlemen started playing as soon as he turned on his truck.

"what can i say," michael giggles. "they're pretty killer."


	7. Chapter 7

i am so thankful for being the smart sibling. my brothers are fucking idiots. they finally sent me a picture of their tattoos and i just want to ask my dad why he let them do this to themselves. 

my brother ross got a christmas tree on his index finger. he doesn't even like christmas! he says santa claus is basically telling the children that it's okay to brake into a strangers house.

my other brother omar went a little bit smarter on his. he got a song lyric on his forearm. i'm surprised the lyric comes from lorde. he used to always make fun of her by the way she moves when performing. 

i just really don't understand why ross had to get a christmas tree on his finger.. what is the soul purpose of that? does he really think he's going to get laid with that? what about his future? he probably lost a bet. that must be the reason why he got that.

i personally love tattoos. i love the way they look on people but they're just not for me. i don't really like the idea of having something permanent on my body. i hate it when i have dirt on my toes if i decide to be barefoot outside. i have to constantly shower and just to have a smudge on me forever is not something i would look forward to.

i am honestly so amazed at the people that get tattoos. they're not scared of having something constant in their life. even when they have so many things changing at once they know that their tattoo is going nowhere.

i rather have piercing. they're not permanent and you can stop wearing them when you don't want to anymore. i have six piercings at the moment and i am planning on getting more. what is a pain in the ass about them is constantly cleaning them. since they are mostly in my right ear i have to make sure they're in good condition.

i can feel myself getting tired as michael and i walk to the parking lot to look for his truck. it's not raining for once and i can finally see the sun. you forget what the sun looks like after a while of constant rain. reminds me of the times i used to go florida with my grandparents. 

"are you hungry?" 

"only if you are," i shrug. 

i hate, hate, h a t e it when people don't eat when i do. i hate it when people stare at me as i chew. i always feel like i look like a cow chewing.

"only if you share a milkshake with me."

"i don't share food clifford."

"well i guess you have to start now since i am on a low budget right now."

"i can also pay for my own food," i smile at him. "you don't have to pay for my food. i have a job and intend to use the money i receive from it."

"are you sure?"

"yeah i am totally fine with it. i didn't expect you to pay for me. if you want i can pay for your meal since you say you're low on money. i don't mind at all."

"i don't know aylen," he sighs and scratches his neck. "it's kinda weird having you pay for my food."

"it's not like you asked me to michael. i offered and you are taking it. guys deserve to be spoiled once in awhile also."

"really?"

"yeah," i snort. "has ellie ever spoiled you?"

"one time she made me cupcakes," he jokes as we hop on his car. "i don't think she's ever bought me anything."

"like ever?"

"i don't think so," he admits. 

"not even anniversaries? birthdays?"

"i'm usually the one that does the buying," he shrugs. "i don't really care."

i know he's lying. everyone likes gifts.  i mean why else do people look forward to their birthday? i know damn well it's not because of their age going up by one number. no one likes getting older. just the idea of being an adult terrifies me and i'm technically considered one.

"if you were my boyfriend i'd buy you everything."

_____

"does ashton know you're with me right now?"

"no. why?"

"i assumed you told him."

"i don't have to tell him every little thing i do?"

"you know you're lucky."

"why?" i ask him as i chew on a fry.

"because you don't have to constantly check up on someone y'know? i think it would be nice to be your own person for once."

"does ellie have to know where you are?"

"always," he whispers. "i feel like she's my mom or something."

"see that's why i don't think i'd fit in this whole relationship shit. the idea of always informing someone where i am would be exhausting."

"yeah," he sighs. "you know sometimes i wish i was single."

"why?"

"why not?"

"i mean i don't know. do you have second thoughts about your relationship at times?"

"i don't know aylen. it's very complicated with ellie at times. i just don't find myself leaving her anytime soon." 

"oh."

"yeah it's just, i don't know. i feel like she'll make me regret it."

"regret it?"

"yeah. she's freaking psycho."

"i don't think you'd want to be with someone you're scared of."

"it's not like i can just leave her for no reason."

"you don't always have to have a reason. if you don't feel right about being in a relationship with someone then just drop them. it's better to be with someone that makes you feel good then having someone make you feel like you're being watched."

"should i take relationship advice from you?" he smiles.

"no, probably not," i giggle. "i've never been in one but it doesn't mean i can't have an opinion on it. i just think if you're with someone you should feel comfortable with them. you shouldn't feel like you're being held back on doing things."

"i just love the fact that we were just talking about raven's nose job to this."

"you can never be on topic with me", i shrug. 

"i've noticed. thanks for buying me food."

"thank you for taking me to the mall."

"that's what friends are for. listen aylen, i have to talk to you."

"i'm listening."

"it's about ellie."

"okay?"

"can we keep this on the low from her?"

"are you seriously asking me to pretend not to know you in front of her?"

"when you say it that way you make it sound bad."

"what the fuck michael," i'm pissed. "i'm not doing that."

"please," he begs. "i don't think you understand. you would literally save me from a world of pain."

"no," i say and cross my arms to make a point. "she needs to know that you have friends that are girls and she needs to get the fuck over it."

"do not tell her."

"i am. it's insane how she doesn't let you have female friends. she needs to get her head out of her ass and know no one is going to take you away from her. is she really that insecure?"

"aylen please." 

"are you really that scared of her? the girl looks harmless. i can take her."

"oh i'd pay to see that."

"if she ever does something to you clifford just call me. i'll kick her ass for you."

"promise?"

"pinky promise."


	8. Chapter 8

"you know sometimes when i look at the sky i wonder about things."

"what things?"

"well you know how sometimes idiots make experiments at home and shit?"

"mhm," i nod. i have no idea where this is going and I also think luke is high. 

"well maybe what if these people do some fucked up shit in their garage and they like contaminate stuff, and then the germs spread all over the world and we die."

"what?"

"think about it aylen. people can get their hands on so many things and just mix them together without knowing what they're doing. then they can form a zombie apocalypse without knowing."

"i think you watch too many movies."

"and spiders," he yawns.

"what about them?"

"it's so weird how a spider can hold so many babies in their stomach. it's like thousands of those little shits coming out and the mom has to die. that's so sad. i don't like the idea of a momma dying when giving birth."

"well," i shrug ignoring the pain in my chest. "it happens luke."

"yeah but i don't think i could live with myself knowing i basically killed my mom."

"shut up luke."

"don't you think that way also aylen?"

"i think i need to take you home," i say and quickly stand up. 

"why? it's only seven o'clock."

"i have to help my aunt with dinner," i lie.

"okay," he sighs and attempts to stand up. 

"let me buckle you up."

it's so weird babysitting someone my age. i never liked the idea of getting high and getting drunk. i hardly smoke cigarets. i guess i never liked the idea of not being in control of my own actions. i'm a control freak in a way. i like to see it my way 24/7. that's just another flaw of mine added to the list of many.

"you know aylen, you're really cool." 

"thanks," i smile at him. 

"i mean it," he sighs and lays his hand on my cheek. "i don't know if you know this but i have like this huge crush on you."

"luke, you're high," i explain as i drive. "you don't know what you're saying."

"but i do. i feel like you get me. you're the only girl that sends me these chill vibes."

"chill vibes?" i giggle.

"yeah. you're like ice. you're cold and get right to the point of things. girls take ages to do things."

"i guess i'm just a hardcore bitch."

"i need a hardcore bitch in my life! i want you to be that bitch."

"you can't handle me," i laugh.

"i think i have enough experience to take any kind of girl."

"oh luke."

"c'mon aylen. give me a chance."

"luke, you're an amazing friend. you know i have a thing with ashton."

"he doesn't have to know."

"luke."

"fine," he whispers and removes his hand from my face. "i get it."

"i just don't want us to go to that. we are great friends and i don't want to risk this. you understand right?"

"right," he nods. "i'm sorry i'm not as handsome as your boy toy ashton."

"you are such a handsome man," i tell him. "this has nothing to do with looks. you are so charming and kind. i just don't want us going to that level and for it to just crumble later on. i don't care if ashton and i end things. i would care if you and i did."

"i get it," he half smiles. "i value our friendship too."

______

"i'll be home in an hour," i cry to my aunt on the phone. "i just don't want to be home right now. i can drop off your car if you'd like and i'll take my bike."

"it's fine aylen. take your time. i don't have to be anywhere. i'll see you at home then."

"i love you," i sniffle.

"i love you too."

i hang up the phone and scroll down my contacts. i look at the name i want to call and think about what i'm going to say. i finally press the call button and my heart begins to raise up.

"hello?" he answers.

"i need to see you."

"what's wrong?"

"can i tell you on the drive?"

"right now?"

"please," i beg.

"um, ellie is kinda here right n-" he says. "fuck it. i'll make up an excuse. pick me up in ten."

"well, i'm sorta outside your house now."

"what?!" he whispers clearly panicking. 

"i'll just do a few circles around the block. just text me when she's gone."

"oka- i'm on the phone with my friend lylen. yes. he's an old friend. eilli- okay. i'll talk later ylen."

"just text me when she's gone."

he says nothing and hangs up. i can't believe ellie asked him who he's on the phone with. she's honestly a psycho bitch.

______

"hey," michael greets me with a smile when he sits on the passenger seat.

"your lip," i gasp. it's so swollen.

"oh," he giggles. "don't worry about it."

"did you get in a fight in school?"

"yeah," he snorts. "the guy was just really getting on my last nerves so yeah."

"oh."

"what's wrong?"

"can you drive?" i ask him.

"yeah," he nods. 

i pull over on the side of the street and get out of my aunts car. i walk towards the front as michael does as well. he meets me in the middle and hugs me tight. i instantly sob on his chest. i wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on him. he is so warm and soft. 

"just let it out," he says to me. 

"i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry aylen. get in and i'll drive."

_____

it feels so good being here in the woods. i find myself more at peace when i'm here. i just left it an hour ago with luke and i felt awful. now, i feel much, much better. 

michael and i are sitting down on the side of the car staring up at the sky. the fresh air calms me down and i don't find myself needing to cry.

"i was here with luke a few hours ago," i tell him.

"oh yeah?"

"yeah. it wasn't very pleasant. he was high i think. he kept talking about spiders and scientists."

"what?" he chuckles. 

"he also told me he liked me."

"did he?" he asks in a more serious tone. "what did you say?"

"i told him i was with ashton."

"right," he nods and looks at me. he adjusts himself so he could sit in front of me and he just stares. 

his blue hair is fading and i love it. i love how it's mixed with brown and blonde. i also love that he has two purple bracelets on his wrists and a jacket that has a bunch of badges. his style is so nice.

"has ashton asked you to be his girlfriend yet?" 

"no. i don't think he'll ever will."

"why is that?"

"he says he doesn't like dating."

"then why waste your time?"

"i don't want to date him also."

"you guys are confusing," he says. "how are you guys not going to date but still you say you're with ashton." 

"it was just to make luke back off."

"so you don't care for ashton?"

"i do. we're just two people that love each other's company and we have sex."

"you guys fucked?"

"yes?"

he doesn't say anything. he just looks at me with such a disappointed expression. 

 

"are you okay?" i ask him.

"hm?" he coughs.

"michael?"

"i'm fine," he says quietly. "i'm perfect. i am peachy."

"are you sure?"

"why wouldn't i?"

"i don't know? you just took the information really weird."

"sorry," he scratches his head and avoids making eye contact with me. "why did you want to see me?"

"i just needed to see you. i don't know why but i did. luke kinda said something that upset me a lot."

"did he mean it?"

"no," i shake my head. "it's not his fault. it's just me."

"what did he say?"

"i don't think i should tell you."

"why not?"

"it's just hits me in such a personal level and i feel like you'll see me differently."

"if it's personal and you don't want to talk about it then don't tell me. just know that i am here for you."

"thank you," i smile at him. "you're amazing."

"i know," he smiles at me back. "i'm sorry about ellie being with me."

"don't apologize about hanging out with your girlfriend. it was just me being a stupid bitch for thinking you were free at the moment i called you."

"hey," he says loudly and get a hold of my face. "you're not stupid aylen."

"i'm not stupid," i say slowly. i am so amazed by his beauty. his green eyes are making me melt. 

"you didn't know i was busy. me being with ellie does not mean i can't hang out with you."

"she just can't find out you are," i point out.

he chuckles and moved his face closer to mine. i can feel his breath on my neck as his face rubs my cheek.

"it's more exciting this way," he whispers. "don't you think?"


	9. Chapter 9

concerts have to be one of the best things this world has to offer. seeing an artist or band that you love with all of your heart is an amazing feeling. being surrounded by the people that are as passionate about the artist you support is incredible. 

christmas is around the corner and i am considering buying michael twenty one pilots tickets. he was talking to me about the fact that the closest city is sold out and that he's bummed he didn't get tickets on time. they're playing at a small venue in washington. that would be a 19 hour drive just to get there. knowing michael, he probably wouldn't mind.

i mean if the boy payed over 100 dollars on an album, he wouldn't mind driving hours to see the band. the good thing about this band is that they're not that big, so resale tickets are cheap. well technically not cheap, but better than taylor swift  tickets or something. 

i was originally going to buy catfish and the bottlemen tickets with the money i've been saving up but.. i need to stop thinking about myself for once and actually give someone something. i bought my auntie a bag she keeps talking about. i know she constantly talks about it just so i can get it for her, and it worked. 

i can't thank her enough for taking me into her home. even with what i did back home, she still treats me like a normal person. i bought my brothers game stop gift cards just because they're so picky and will most likely return whatever i buy them.

i don't know if ashton is getting me something. i'm probably going to ask michael if he knows. i don't want to get ashton something and for him to think i care for this thing we have more than him. i'm honestly growing tired of him. he's amazing and all but a girl can only take so much.

he's starting to get clingy and that is one thing i hate. i hate the idea of being suffocated by someone always being my shadow. ashton is funny and amazing but.. i'm just honestly a bitch. i never know what i want. maybe that's why i always went for the older guys back in atlanta. they never really wanted a commitment or cared to check up on me.

yet, i always liked the idea of being in love with someone. i never know what's going on in my head. i'm just terrified on what falling in love will cause me. what is the cost of falling in love? it's probably a kidney. i just want both of my kidneys to work for me. 

____

 

"why are textbooks so fucking expensive?" i complain to myself as i scroll down my syllabus. i took high school for fucking granted. college is making my pockets cry. literally they want you to buy everything. i never once paid for a scantron, the school usually provides them.

"you know i can always help you out," my auntie says to me. 

"oh no. thank you but no. you already let me stay here for free. i don't want you paying for my school also. i think i'm just going to apply for student loans." 

"i am not going to let you be in dept at the age of 18 aylen." 

"they do payment plans. i'll be okay. it's 300 every month. that's one paycheck. i'll be okay. the books are the only thing that i know will kick my ass."

"i'll pay for your books." 

"no," i smile at her. "thank you so much for offering but i will not let you do that. you've done so much for me already. i'm the one that should be paying for your things."

"i am not asking you for permission to pay for them aylen. i'm paying for them and that's that. give me the list of names of the books. if you don't then pack your bags and go back to atlanta." 

"fine," i roll my eyes. i hate it when she gives me the 'home' threat. i haven't been 'home' in months. i don't even know if i should still call it home. i'm not wanted there.

"you start classes in mid january right?"

"sadly," i sigh. "i haven't started and i'm already stressed out. it's so much paper work."

"you need to relax."

"i am relaxed."

"you really need more girlfriend aylen. why haven't i seen raven around here anymore?"

"she started dating luke's friend calum and they're always together. we text a bit but that's about it."

"maybe you'll make friends in college. you said ashton's brother has a girlfriend. maybe you can be friends with her."

"yeah right," i snort. 

"do you not like her?"

"she's a character," i explain. "i just know i won't get along with her."

"don't knock it till you try it."

"don't people usually say that when they do drugs?"

 

_______

 

"what song is this?"

"how do you not know this song?" i gasp. "it's settle down by the 1975."

"who?"

"oh boy," i giggle and lay my head on his chest. "i really need to improve your taste in music."

"my music taste is amazing," he gasps as well.

"ashton, all you listen to is drake, ed sheeran and lil wayne." 

"hey! i don't just listen to them. i listen to blink, all time low, sir sly."

"yeah, yeah, yeah," i roll my eyes knowing he can't see.

"what about you? all you listen to is that catfish band."

"they're fucking great," i say as i sit up. "do you not like them?"

"well considering that i know all of their songs now," he shrugs. "they're not so bad." 

"i feel like i accomplished something from this then," i smile and play with his hair.

"hey i was meaning to ask you. what do you want for christmas?"

"you don't have to get me anything."

"yes i do," he smiles and kisses my hand. "tell me. what do you want?"

"you can get me a hershey's bar." 

"i'm serious aylen."

"i don't need anything ashton. i'm happy with what i have in my life right now."

"what's your ring size?"

"what?"

"your ring size."

"size 7."

"okay," he smiles. 

"you can't get me a ring."

"oh yes i am."

"why?"

"i want the best for my girlfriend."

"girlfriend?" 

"of course," he kisses my hand again. "aren't we dating?"

"i don't know. are we?"

"yes," he giggles and sits up as well. "why do you think we do all these couple things?"

"i don't know," i admit. 

"you're my girlfriend silly," he smiles and hugs me. 

 

_______

 

"where do you think you're going?" michael asks me as i close ashton's room door. 

"home."

"why?"

"well considering the fact that it's midnight and ashton is asleep."

"stay."

"i can't. you have school tomorrow."

"it's not like i don't go to sleep at three in the morning watching youtube videos."

"i don't know michael," i sigh. i'm exhausted. 

 

"please," he begs. "for me?"

"fine," i half smile. "just one hour."

"yay," he smiles. "c'mon."

"where are we going?"

"my room silly."

i've never been inside of michael's room before. they say a persons room describe who they are as a person and i totally agree with that. my room is white with orange and yellow things. i just like the fall and the white relaxes me a bit. 

i follow michael to his room and the first thing i notice is his bed. his bed is freaking huge. it's clean for the most part. i've never seen a guys room so clean in my life. i don't even think my room is this clean. 

"do you want to watch a movie?"

"i said an hour," i remind him as i look at his posters. "movies are usually two."

"what do you want to do then?"

"i don't know you invited me to stay longer."

"sorry. i just don't like being alone."

"you write?" i ask him as i see a yellow notepad on his desk. 

"a little," he shrugs. "why?"

"that's interesting. i've never met someone that writes songs."

"they're not really songs," he smiles. "they're just whatever. they're not even good."

"do you sing?"

"who? me?" he snorts. "no."

"sing to me," i beg.

"aylen, no."

"please," i say again as i move closer to him. "for me?"

"you can't pull that trick," he giggles. "only i can."

"please? for me?"

"for fuck sakes aylen," he groans as he opens his closet.

"yay," i smile and sit on his bed.

michael takes out a guitar from his closet and sets it on his lap. he sits down on the floor and looks at me.

"i've never really played for someone before. so if i fuck up don't laugh at me."

"i promise."

"pinky promise?" he smiles.

"pinky promise."

"are you sure you can handle my incredible voice?"

"i think i can manage," i smile.

"okay," he shrugs. "you asked for it."

 

he begins and i can tell he's nervous. why did i make him do this? i shouldn't of asked. he isn't half bad on the guitar.

"you throw me around like your rag doll and throw me away like your cigarettes and pick up the pieces of whatever's left of me," he sings.

god his voice is pure perfection. my eyes begin to water as he keeps singing. 

"they're yours to keep a million and one ways that I've tried to turn it around. leave it all behind but every time you turn out to be one step ahead of me."

he doesn't make eye contact with me as he sings. maybe this is too personal for him and i crossed that boundary with him. michael being the person that he is probably didn't want to hurt my feelings.

"lost in reality. I can feel you in the dark when I fall asleep. all that's in my head are pictures of memories, words that you said to me."

"michael," i say as i hear his voice get higher. 

"hey, hey, hailey, won't you save me? bittersweet chemistry. I can't escape you anywhere, even in my dreams."

"michael," i say more concerned. he's crying.

"all that's in my head are pictures of memories, words that you said to me. hey, hey, hailey, won't you save me?"

"look at me," i say to him as i sit in front of him. "michael."

"hm?" he sighs. 

"look at me," i beg.

he finally looks at me and more tears are falling down his face. i remove the guitar from his hands and set it aside. i quickly wrap my legs around his waist as he's sitting down and hug him. 

"i'm sorry. i don't know why i made you do that."

"it's not your fault," he says to me. 

his arms are wrapped around my waist and his head is on buried on my neck. i rub his back as i rock him back and forth.

"i'm so sorry," i whisper. 

he turns his head and i can feel his lips on my neck. his hairs tickle my face but i don't mind. i wipe away the tears are coming down with my thumb. 

"you're so good to me," he says.

"of course."

"i'm sorry i broke down."

"don't apologize."

"the song just mea-"

"you don't have to tell me if you don't want to michael," i remind him. "you wrote the song from personal experiences and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"okay," he nods. he snuggles his head further into my neck. "you're so soft."

"thank you?" i giggle.

"oh," he moans softly.

"what?"

"sorry you just kinda," he giggles. "you're basically on my crotch and um."

"oh god," i gasp and begin to remove myself from him.

"no. it's fine," he assures me and brings me closer to him. "it was nice."


	10. Chapter 10

"you're so beautiful," ashton smiles.

"tell me that when my shirt is on," i giggle. 

"come here."

i scoot up closer to him and lay my head on his chest. i can hear his heartbeat and somehow i feel safe in his arms. it's seven in the afternoon and ashton's parents aren't home. i don't think anyone is home actually. I think it's just him and i.

"what are you doing for christmas?"

"i think my aunt wants to fly to atlanta, so i'm not sure."

"so you're going with her?"

"no."

"why not?"

"well my dad doesn't really want to see me. i don't want to go somewhere i'm not wanted."

"spend christmas with me," he suggests. 

"i don't know ashton," i sigh and bite my bottom lip. 

"c'mon red. ellie has been with us during christmas twice already. i want to have someone with me as well."

"she's going to be here?"

"yeah," he nods. "have you tried being friends with her yet?"

"i haven't seen her since that one time michael said he didn't know me."

"that was like two months ago right?"

"i think so," i shrug. 

my stomach begins to growl and i giggle to myself. i'm starving. i remove myself from ashton's arms and receive my clothes from the floor.

"i'm going to make pancakes. do you want some?"

"pancakes at 8 pm? fuck yeah."

"stay here. i'll just bring them upstairs."

"are you sure? i can help you."

"i'll just call you out to get your food then," i smile. "clean your room."

"yes mom," he giggles and rolls his eyes. 

i quickly rush to the bathroom. i really have to pee. sadly, i see the light on and i sit. i don't think i have the strength to go downstairs to use the bathroom. i guess michael just got here or something.

"hey," he smiles.

"i really have to pee," i squeal as i stand up. 

"oh," he snorts and moves out of my way.

___________________

 

"aren't you cold?" michael asks me as i close the bathroom door. 

"where you waiting for me to get out just to ask me that?"

"maybe," he shrugs. 

"i'm not cold."

"are you sure?"

"yes," i assure him. 

"because i have a long sleeve i don't use anymore that you can wear."

"i don't think ashton would like me wearing your clothes."

"why? cause you'll look better in my clothes than his?" he smiles. 

"probably," i snort. "i'm going downstairs to make pancakes. do you want some?"

"pancakes at 8 pm?"

"yeah."

"as if you weren't a perfect person already," he smiles. "i can join you if you'd like."

"okay," i nod and go downstairs.

"i'm making the pancakes," michael says once we reach the kitchen. 

"you cook?"

"i'm the whole package aylen," he smiles. "you just haven't opened your eyes to see that yet."

i don't say anything after that. i just watch him whip up the batter. he occasionally begins to hum to himself and i can't help but find it pretty adorable.

"chocolate chip pancakes?"

"now you're talking clifford," i smile. 

"you should feel special."

"why?"

"i never cook for anyone."

"well you're cooking for me?"

"exactly. like i said, special."

"you're also making food for ashton," i remind him. 

"i don't know an ashton."

i snort and get out of the chair i was sitting on. i walk behind michael and help him set up the plates. it's the least i could do. these pancakes look amazing. 

"do you want orange juice? or something so i can set up the glasses," i ask him.

"i don't like orange juice," he says as he scrunches his nose. "i'm more of a lemonade type of guy."

"pancakes with lemonade? you're wild clifford."

"i can get as wild as you want me to," he winks.

i nod and get his glass. michael is always flirting with me and i find it rather weird. he knows i'm dating his brother, yet he seemed so unbothered by it. it's like our relationship is a joke to him in a way? 

i hear footsteps coming closer to us and i back away from michael a little. ashton sees us both in the kitchen and smiles.

"i was wondering what was taking you so long red. now i know why."

"chef michael," michael says as he waves the spatula side to side. "i wasn't going to let aylen cook by herself. she is a guest after all."

_____________________

 

"i'm going to shower," ashton announces as he finishes his pancakes. 

"okay," i nod. "i'll wait for you here."

"i'd hope so," he smiles and kisses me before he goes upstairs. 

"he's jealous," michael whispers.

"of what?"

"we're friends," he shrugs. "it's obvious. he just doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to be that type of boyfriend."

"he didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend michael," I point out to him. "he just assumed we were together."

"so you just assumed yes after he said that?"

"i mean. i guess," i shrug. "i didn't want to be mean and say what the hell are you talking about? i can see where he got the idea from."

"hm," he says and picks up his plate to wash it. 

"your christmas present came in the mail."

"really?" he smiles. "you're going to love your gift."

"you're going to love yours too! i need to give it to you soon."

"when?"

"like tomorrow."

"christmas isn't tomorrow."

"just trust me on this."

"do you want to see your gift now?"

"now?"

"yeah," he nods and grabs my hand to rush upstairs. 

"wait my plate," i panic. "it's still on the table."

"we can clean up later. i'm excited for this."

"you just don't want ellie to know you got me something huh," i tease. 

"whatever," he rolls his eyes and opens the door to his room. he finally lets go of my hand and i watch him as he opens his closet. "does ashton know you got me something?"

"does he have to know?"

"who else doesn't want their boo to know?" he smiles. "you're in the same shit as me aylen."

"am not!"

"are too!" he jokes and finally takes out a wrapped gift. "here."

"fuck," i gasp. the box is fucking heavy. 

"open it," he smiles.

"okay," i smile back and sit on the floor.

the box is very nicely wrapped. i'm fucking impressed. his mom probably helped him out. i slowly tear the paper apart until i started growing impatient. he really wrapped this thing well. probably four layers of paper in each side. i finally reach the actual box and read the label. 

"u.s art supplies," i read out loud. 

"here," michael smiles as he hands me a pair of scissors. 

"thanks," i bite my lip and begin to open up the top. i can feel michael's eyes on me the whole time. i finally open the top of the box and see a bunch of extra paper protecting the present. i set aside the paper until i see a brief case. i open up the brief case and see all these watercolor supplies. my eyes instantly begin to water. it's not just watercolor supplies, it contained oil pastels and colored pencils to sketch.

"you did not," i attempt to say. i left all of my supplies back in atlanta and never cared to purchase some more after middle school.

"there's more," he smiles. 

i look inside the box again and see a few sketch pads and brushes. he even got me a little stool to set up my big watercolor sheets when i start to paint. michael literally bought me everything i need, he even got me a mixing bowl. i stand up from the floor and attack him with a hug making us fall down to his bed. 

"thank you so much," i cry. 

"you're welcome," he nods and hugs me back. "luke told me you used to paint but stopped. i want you to start again."

"really?"

"of course."

"thank you so much michael," i giggle and remove myself from him. "sorry."

"it's fine," he assures me. "i can't wait to see what you come up with."

"i haven't drawn something in years. hopefully i'm still good."

"i believe in you."

"thank you michael. really, thank you."

"what are friends for?"


	11. Chapter 11

seeing michael sing at the top of his lungs is the best thing my eyes have ever witnessed. i surprised him with the concert tickets five days in advanced and he swears it wasn't enough time to emotionally prepare himself for it. we bought so many snacks and a pack of twenty four water bottles to camp outside the venue. he swears camping at a general admission show is the best way to experience it. 

ashton didn't really like the idea of me being with michael for three days alone. we got a hotel room to put our clothes and stuff but didn't even sleep on the bed. michael couldn't sleep while in the tent. he was way too excited for the concert.

we weren't the only people camping out, which made me feel a bit safer. luckily, michael brought his pocket knife with him just in case. i also brought my taser (that my dad gave me when i was 15). you can never trust the people on these streets. 

michael came so prepared for this. he bought five portable chargers, air mattress, four pillows, umbrella, portable fan (even if it is december and cold), bug spray, sun block, you say it, he brought it. 

once it was time to go inside michael rushed to put everything inside his truck. we were one of the first people in line which made michael even more anxious to go inside the venue. once the workers came out to scan our tickets we ran our asses off to the barricade. michael ran a little bit faster than me so he snatched the middle. i felt out of breath for a little bit from the running, also, the sun made my head hurt a little. 

new politics opened up for them which was great for me, i love the band. my brother ross made me listen to them a while back and it's crazy how they even got the chance to open up. i have no idea how my brother found them on youtube. 

the pushing was pretty crazy. my boobs were being pressed to the barricade, making me feel more sick. i did not like the feeling what so ever. also, so many people were already passing out. the main act haven't came out yet, and people are already getting pulled out? twenty one pilots shows are crazy. 

as we saw the crew set up the piano and drums, michael started shaking from excitement. i got a hold of his hand without thinking to remind him that i'm here for him. i'm also pretty excited to see them. i love josh.

ode to sleep was the first song they played and god was the pushing over the top now. i had to accept the fact that i was going to wake up with bruises in my tummy. when the lights turned off michael lost it. i could hear his screams joining the others. i actually recorded his reaction without him knowing and it's really good. 

the rest of the show was fucking amazing. tyler made me cry twice and i am happy i had no make up on. my mascara would've been smearing down my cheeks. his speeches really make a person think and thinking is not one of my favorite things to do.

after the show michael and i ran to the back where the buses are hoping to meet them. there weren't many people waiting, considering that the venue could only hold up around 500 people.

it was around two in the morning and the people that were waiting have started to die down. michael has not giving up yet and i support him. i'm tired as fuck, but i know how much this band means to him. i'll wait until six in the morning if i have to, for him to meet them.

few minutes later we see a security guard walking our way. there must've been at least twenty people waiting now, which is great. 

"are you guys waiting for the band?" the security guard asks us.

"yeah," we all say. 

"please do not push or scream when they come out. now, they are coming to meet you guys. since this is a small amount of people they can spend a little bit longer here. don't ruin it. they're coming out in five minutes."

we nod and i can feel my heart beating so fucking fast. i get to meet josh. 

"oh my god," michael says to me. "i'm going to cry."

"you're going to be okay," i assure him. "do you have your paper and pen?"

"mhm," he smiles.

we see a flashlight coming our way and it's the same security guard walking with tyler and josh. no one screams or squeals, but we all know we want to. 

"hi guys," tyler greets us. "sorry for taking so long to come out. we had to help put everything up. so who's ready for some pictures?"

michael and i are all the way to the end of the line. hopefully they spend more time with us since we're the last ones. michael keeps breathing in and out loudly. i really hope he's not going to have a panic attack or something.

twenty minutes later we finally reach them and they greet us. i hug josh with all of my might and talk to him for a bit as michael asks tyler to write down his next tattoo. 

"you guys are his favorite band," i say to josh as i watch michael and tyler. i know he's nervous, he's shaking so bad. "we drove six hours just to come to this show."

"really? that's awesome," he smiles. "we don't really get fans like you guys yet."

"you'll probably have a shit ton of them next year."

"doubt it," he giggles. 

"we have to go," tyler says to josh.

"thank you so much for everything," i say to tyler. "the show was amazing."

"thank you. thank you for listening to our albums. we love performing for you guys."

"can i have a picture before you guys leave?" michael asks them. 

"of course," they both say. 

michael hands me his iphone and i quickly take the picture before they get rushed off by their security guard. we watch as they get on their tour bus. 

michael immediately starts to sob on me. i hug him and rub his back. 

"thank you so much," he says to me. "this has to be the best christmas present ever known to man kind."

"you're welcome," i giggle. 

"i'm serious aylen. thank you. this is their first tour and the show was so small and i am so grateful i got to experience this. two years from now they'll probably sell out arenas where i have to get seats all the way on top."

"i highly doubt that," i roll my eyes.

"true me on this aylen. two year tops i give them. "

"oh and i believe you. i'm talking about the top seat thing. i highly doubt you'll get seats all the way on top. you'll probably beg for floor seats."

"probably," he smiles.

"come here," i hug him again. 

 

"we have to see them again."

"of course," he nods. 

"let me see the paper," i demand. i totally forgot about it.

"oh shit. i almost forgot."

he takes out the paper from his back pocket and unfolds it. tyler's handwriting is almost the same as mine, which isn't a good thing. we both write like first graders then.

"we don't want to lose our lives, so let's think of something better," i read.

"down in the forest," michael starts singing. "we'll sing a chorus. one that everybody knows. hands held higher, we'll be on fire, singing songs that nobody wrote."

i guess michael does have a favorite twenty one pilots song after all.


	12. Chapter 12

"we are going to fucking celebrate new years with you and that is final aylen," my brother omar says to me on the phone.

i've been inside this target for two hours already but have not bothered looking around. my brothers decided to randomly call me to give me the information of their already bought airplane ticket to north dakota. 

my aunt convinced them to fly back with her since she's still in atlanta. i've been home 'alone' for almost five days now and i've never felt more at home. i love having the house to myself. well, technically not to myself since ashton has been sleeping over non stop.

i'm surprised, not one of the workers have asked me to leave. i haven't bought a drink or anything. i came originally to buy my last minute necessities for my classes that will be starting next month. sadly, i couldn't come earlier because of fucking work. i'm still in my uniform and i'm tired. 

buying school supplies always excites me in a way? i always found it satisfying buying a binder that's neon pink with purple folders and just things like that. i finally stand up from the table and get a cart. i can still hear my brothers rambling about what dad got them for christmas. i can only not give a fuck.

it's been almost a year and my dad still hasn't bothered to contact me. it's whatever now. i was so hurt that he didn't bother calling me the first few weeks. now, now it's like i don't even have a dad. 

i quickly rush to the school supply aisle. they're about to close this store and i'm pretty sure i'm the only person shopping now. or not. i mean who else comes shopping at target at nine o'clock?

"mhm," i would say randomly acting as if i'm actually paying attention to what they're saying to me.

my eyes instantly go to this unicorn tape dispenser. the tape has a rainbow print and i add it to my cart without hesitation. will i really turn in my assignments with rainbow tape? probably not. but the unicorn is really cute. 

"we're flying tomorrow," ross reminds me. "remember, you have to pick us up at two."

"i know," i sigh. this is the third time he tells me this information. i guess he'll think i'll forget. 

"i should probably hang up now. we have to catch that flight pretty early."

"okay," i nod. "bye ross."

"bye aylen."

i hang up the phone and look around some more. there's not much to work with here. everything is long gone. this part of town is filled with college students, so maybe that's why. everyone was probably doing last minute shopping as well.

i should've asked for a day off to do my school shopping. but i also can't keep asking for days off. i was pretty surprised my boss even gave me a few days off knowing christmas was coming for the show.

i have a bitter sweet love with my job. working at a grocery store isn't hard work, it's just the costumers. they're all shit faces honestly. my first job was at a burger king back in atlanta and i liked it. the people i worked with were pretty tolerable, it's always the costumers. 

working at a grocery store is weird because you see everyone and their mothers. i just hate the fact that you see familiar faces from school and they expect you to give them a discount of some sort? i just honestly want to go one about my day and swipe shit on the computer and make them pay for their stuff. 

i do not have time for people to give me shit when i refuse to give them discount on items. if that's even possible? i should probably apply at target. it seems like such a chill job. it's always quite and you get to wear the same thing everyday. you don't have to stress about what to wear.

i sigh and leave the cart in the isle. i guess i'm just going to buy the unicorn. what a waste of a drive honestly. why does target have to be twenty minutes away from where my aunt lives? why does everything have to be far away? why couldn't she just live somewhere where actual people live? literally everyone in the small town knows one another. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing. 

i walk to the only operating cashier and hand her my unicorn dispenser. she gives me a small smile and i smile back.

"i know," i giggle.

"i bought myself one too. i couldn't help myself."

"right?! it's just so freaking cute."

"so worth the ten dollars," she agrees and hands me my bag. 

i quickly rush to the parking garage and keep a hold on my taser. one thing my brothers taught me is always have my taser at arms reach in a parking lot no matter what time. you never know when a person will get behind you and try to steal your bag or something. i walk slower as i finally see my aunts car close by.

"aylen!" i hear someone shout my name.

i quickly turn my head and see michael on the side. he dyed his hair again. it's a purplish color and i kinda dig it. i prefer his neon blue hair more.

 

"your hair," i say without thinking. 

"i know," he smiles. "i've never really done it this color before. i was surprised on how purple it came out. it was supposed to originally be pink."

"pink would've looked good too," i nod. "i didn't know you worked at target?"

"oh yeah. i just recently started. it's just for the christmas time. i usually help out calum at his job."

"you know how to fix cars?"

"no," he snorts. "i make phone calls."

"ah," i nod. "it's fucking cold outside. where's your jacket?"

"calm down mom," he rolls his eyes. "i'm going to be fine. i'm waiting for ellie to pick me up. i let her burrow my truck since her tire has a flat." 

"i should probably get going then. don't want little miss perfect seeing me and thinking i'm going to steal her man."

"it's okay," he smiles. "i don't care anymore."

"really?"

"i do. so if you could please."

"fine," i roll my eyes. "i'll see you soon then?"

"i'm counting on it."

______________

 

"we're here," i announce to my sleeping brothers. 

i arrived to the airport an hour before just incase they flew in early. it was the opposite actually. i had to wait three hours until they finally landed. the fuckers didn't tell me the flight got delayed.

i was surprised on how fit they got while i was gone. i left the house with them being squishy as fuck. now when i hugged them i could feel my back being crushed.

"this is it," my aunt smiles as we reach the house. 

i turn off the ignition and get out of the car. i am exhausted. i stayed up all night cleaning the whole house. i didn't want my aunt coming to a dirty house. i ended up sleeping on the couch from exhaustion.

i really just want to sleep all day but i know my brothers would want me to be with them. i help my aunt with her luggage and quickly go inside the house.

it's fucking snowing outside and the first thing my brothers said to me when they saw me is that they want to make a snowman. we've only seen snow in atlanta once and that was literally the best day ever?

now that i see snow more often i get more used to it. i still love the view of the white trees and grass. i don't think it would ever get old for me. 

"where are we sleeping?" omar asks my aunt. 

"the couch transforms into a bed," i tell them. "it's actually really comfy."

"what if we get cold? it's fucking freezing here."

"language," i slap his arm. 

"c'mon aylen," he rolls his eyes. 

"i just don't want you saying those kinds of things in front of her," i whisper. "don't be disrespectful. just because you're 18 doesn't mean you're an adult."

"legally i am so," he shrugs. 

"shut up. where's ross?"

"shower."

"fuck," i groan.

i need to put logs in the fireplace now. he's going to be freezing his ass off when he gets out of the shower. i sigh and open the door to the backyard. thankfully ashton cut me some logs before he left. i quickly pick them off before the wind comes and makes me sick.

i hand the logs to omar and smile. "here. since you want to be a smart ass and an adult. you make the fire."

"but i don't know how?"

"fucking figure it out," i smile again and walk to my room.

i take off my beanie and place it on my desk. i really need to start decorating my room. when i first arrived to north carolina i couldn't believe the rooms were so tiny. i'm starting to love the room more and more. it's actually pretty cozy. i had to buy my sheets and a few tables before i really unpacked and settled myself in.

i lay down on my bed and cover myself up with two blankets. it's fucking freezing inside this house. thankfully i purchased a portable heater. my aunts house is very old school and doesn't have an air conditioner or heater installed to warm up the whole house. we have a fire place in the living room and that's the only place that actually gets warm.

i pull out my phone from my pocket and see that i have one unread message from michael. 

'are you busy?'

what could he possibly want? i just saw him yesterday. 

'kinda. what's up?'

i can hear the strong wind coming from outside making me feel more sleepy. i yawn and stretch out my legs more and roll over so i can cuddle up with my pillow.

"aylen," omar knocks at my door. 

"hm," i groan. 

"hey," he says when opening. "ross and i are going to take a nap if that's okay with you?"

"yeah," i nod. "i was going to take one too. i work tomorrow again and i need to catch up with some sleep."

"okay," he smiles. "aunt ledia knocked out as soon as she went inside her room."

"that's good. i'll wake you guys up in a little to get something to eat or something."

"sounds like a plan," he nods and closes my door.

'open your window' michael texts me. 

"ugh," i groan and get out of my bed. i was really comfortable. i walk to my window and open up my blinds.

"hey," he smiles.

"what are you doing here?"

"waiting for you to invite me in obviously."

"from my window?" i snort.

"c'mon aylen. i'm cold."

I move over to the side so he can quietly get inside my room. he's wearing a thick black jacket and dark purple gloves. his nose is a bit red from the weather. he looks more childlike. 

"oh my god. you're freezing," i say as i touch his cheeks with the back of my hand. "do you want some hot chocolate or something?"

"that would be nice," he smiles.

"i'll be right back then."

"okay," he nods.

______________

 

"i can't believe you're here," i whisper as i close my door and lock it. "why are you here?"

"i just needed to get out of the house. ellie is being very difficult and ashton is at work."

"oh," i frown and hand him the hot chocolate.

"yeah," he half smiles and sits on the edge of my bed. "your room is sorta cool by the way."

"it's so plain."

"not really," he shrugs and looks around. "you bought yourself another place to paint in?"

"yeah," i nod and look up to my messy setup. "it's pretty gross right now. i was painting last week and just forgot about it."

 

"how could you possibly forget about something so perfect?" he asks me. "you're really good. do you have any more stuff i can see?"

"not really," i admit. "i haven't done big paintings because the canvases are pretty pricey. i paint in the sketch pad you got me."  

"i can get you some if you'd like. i want you to paint things like this. you're very talented."

"thank you."

"can i see the sketchbook?"

"sure," i nod and walk to my desk. "here."

"oh," he smiles as he sees the flowers i drew in with sharpie markers on the cover. 

i started doodling more as i find myself not being able to fall asleep. i draw mountains, dogs, beds, and flowers mostly. they calm me. 

"this one is my favorite," he points to the forest and cameras.

 

"oh yeah," i smile.

"mhm," he nods. "it reminds me of me actually."

"hm."

"is it?"

"what?"

"about me?"

"what makes you say that?" i ask him curiously. 

"c'mon aylen. you know i love photography and we've hung out in the forest a few times."

"well i guess it is," i shrug. 

"it's nice to know you think about me on your free time."

"shut up," i giggle nervously. "can i have my book back?"

"why? hiding something?" 

"no," i panic knowing the sketch is close by. "can i just have it back?"

"no. i think i'll keep looking."

"i'm going to the living room then," i say quickly and stand up from my bed.

"don't go," he pouts. "here."

"thank you," i smile and get the sketchbook from his hands. 

"do you draw people aylen?"

"um. not really. it was never my best thing to draw."

"really?"

"yeah," i shrug.

"because the drawing of me in your sketchbook is pretty freaking great."

"you did not," i gasp and throw my sketchbook on the bed embarrassed. "oh my god."

"hey," he smirks and stands up from the bed. "i loved it."

"i don't know why i did it," i say in his chest. 

"don't be embarrassed," he whispers as he rubs my back. "i'm actually flattered."

"it's so bad."

"it is not," he says furrowing his brows. 

"it is actually," i groan and show him the drawing again. "i was bored one day and i was drinking coffee and it sorta happened."

 

"you fucking did that with coffee?"

"yeah," i nod. "i outlined it with a pen then just filled it in with my coffee."

"you're so perfect," he smiles. "oh my god aylen."

"what?"

"you frustrate me."

"what did i do?"

"i don't know," he shakes his head smiling. "i just know you're amazing and i hate you for it."

"yeah, well, what can you do?" i giggle.

"something i hope."

"what?" 

he doesn't say anything. he just stares into my eyes. i never noticed michael's scar. he has a small scar on his forehead and it just makes him a little more pretty.

"fuck it," he says.

"huh?"

he doesn't say anytime again and gets the sketchbook from my hand and sets it on my bed. i can hear his breathing get heavier as he walks closer to me. his eyes never leaving mine as i feel his left hand wrap around my back as the other one lays on my jaw.

he stares at me for a few seconds before he starts leaning in. i stop breathing as soon as i figured out exactly what he was going to do. i place my hand on his face too and kiss him back.


	13. Chapter 13

"no, no, no. this is bad."

"what is?" he sighs as i stand up.

"are you fucking serious? we just kissed."

"okay? why are you acting like you didn't like it?"

"michael," i groan frustrated. "that's not the point. the point is that i am with ashton and i don't want him knowing about this."

"i understand that. i also don't want ellie to find out about this. she would literally kill me."

"i just didn't want to cheat on ashton. i got cheated on before and i felt like utter shit. i didn't want to be the reason for someone to be utter shit too."

"you didn't cheat on ashton."

"how are you so calm about this? why did you even kiss me?"

"why did you kiss me back?" he smiles. "you are a really frustrating me woman."

"i frustrate you?" i gasp. "you frustrate me!"

"how? i have done nothing."

"michael you are so confusing sometimes. i hate that i have to lie to myself sometimes about finding you attractive. i don't even know you all too well and we just kissed."

"we do know one another. you might think we don't, but we do. we have spent days with one another without other peo- wait, you find me attractive?"

"don't," i groan and sit on my bed. "this was a mistake."

"kissing me was a mistake?" 

"yes," i nod looking at the wooden floor. "it's a mistake because we are with other people."

"so, if we were single it wouldn't of?"

"no."

"hey," he sighs and lays his hand on my chin. "we're okay. we are going to be okay. this didn't happen."

"but it did michael."

"listen aylen. i care about you. what you make me feel is weird because i love ellie. i love ellie a lot and i care for you."

"i care for you too," i smile. "it's just weird. we're just friends. i don't want this to ruin our friendships. this is why i let luke down. i rather lose ashton than you ."

"well," he smiles too. "i'm glad you care for me more."

"ashton told me he loved me."

"what?" 

"he told me he loved me chrismas day."

"that was like three days ago," he says to himself.

"yeah," i nod. his hand is still on my chin but slowly moves down to my neck.

"do you love him back?"

"no."

"did you tell him you loved him?"

"i did not."

"what did you say after he told you he loved you?"

"why does it matter?"

"it fucking matters to me. please," he begs. "just tell me."

"i just told him it was nice to hear someone say that. i'm really weird when it comes to feelings michael. i can be with someone for months and feel nothing."

"we've only known one another for six months and you've been with ashton for four of those."

"six months?" 

"mhm," he nods. "before school started. it was at a party ashton did at our house."

"right," i purse my lips. "wow has it really been four months? it feels way shorter. how can he love me if he doesn't really know me?"

"it's possible to love someone in a short period of time," he shrugs and looks down at the floor. "how exactly did he tell you?"

"that he loved me?"

"mhm."

"um," i sigh. "well it was after he came to drop me off. i invited him inside since no one else was home. we ended up doing stuff and he just told me."

"after sex?" he snorts. "how romantic."

"what is that supposed to mean?"

"i mean," he shrugs. "you probably gave him a blow job and felt the need to tell you right away."

"i did not give him a blow job!" i say and smack him in the arm. "that's so gross. he pees out of that."

"you don't suck dick?"

"do you suck dick michael?"

"nah," he smiles. "would you suck my dick?"

"get out," i demand. "just leave."

"i'm sorry," he giggles. "c'mon aylen. you knew it was going to come up."

"doesn't mean you had to actually say it."

"i'm sorry. come here."

"no," i huff and back away from him. "just please go home before lisa wakes up and starts barking."

"lisa?"

"yeah. my aunt has a golden retriever. i'm surprised she didn't wake up when i opened the window."

"do you really want me to go?" he frowns.

"yeah. i was supposed to be taking a nap. i have work tomorrow and my brothers are in the living room. they want to see the town when they wake up."

"oh shit. your brothers are here?"

"i just picked them up like two hours ago."

"can i meet them?" he asks.

"no," i snort. 

"i bet they'll like me."

"i don't even want ashton to meet them."

"why not?"

"they're just very protective after what happened last time i had an interest in a guy."

"you had a boyfriend back in atlanta?"

"he wasn't my boyfriend. he was just a guy i was messing around with for two years."

"tell me about him."

i never like talking about carlos. i was pretty shocked i even brought him up to luke when he asked me about a love interest. i can feel my blood boil as i think of his name. his brown eyes come up as i see michael's green eyes. michael is the complete opposite of carlos and maybe that's why i feel this kind of lust towards him. the lust is not strong but it's definitely there.

"carlos and i met in high school and you know," i shrug. "we were inseparable. him and i would go to the school football games, dances. i was in love with him, or at least i think i was. i don't think i'm sure what love is yet. i know what i felt for him was something nice. he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that was good. no one really made me feel that way before. i used to have crushes on guys in middle school and that was it."

"mhm," michael nods as i stop talking. "do you want to keep going? if you don't want to talk about him, that's fine aylen. i don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do."

"no i'm okay," i gulp. my mouth feels dry as i think about his laugh. i can't believe i told him i would pick his laugh over my favorite song any day. 15 year old me was such a fool. "sorry."

"you're okay," he smiles and lays his hand on my knee.

"carlos never asked me to be his girlfriend and that hurt me a little. i mean i don't mind having the label or not, but it hurt knowing we did all the couple things and he never cared to ask me. it's almost like he was scared of being just with one person."

"so he would hook up with other girls while doing those things with you?"

"at first he didn't," i sigh and lay my head on my knees. "two months after i moved here i found out he cheated on me with my best friend."

"oh shit," he gasps moving close to me. "how did you find out?"

"other people. she sent them pictures, and they showed me."

"and you're still friends with her?"

"i don't know," i admit. "i didn't talk to her after i found out. i still say she's my best friend and i know i'm lying to myself. it's just so fucked up you know? jackie and i knew one another since birth basically.  her father is one of my dad's closest friends."

"so you just let her off the hook? that doesn't sound like you. you must've done something as some sort of revenge."

"oh i did," i smile to myself. "i got her good."

"what did you do?"

"you don't want to know."

"but i do," he frowns and lays his head on my shoulder. i sit up so he can get more comfortable. "tell me, please?"

"michael no," i sigh and grab his hand. i begin to trace stars on his palm as he watches me. "you'll see me differently and i don't want that. i just did something that wasn't necessary. it was way too much and that's why my dad kicked me out of the house."

 

"so he kicked you out of his house because of what you did to jackie?"

"mhm," i nod and intertwine my right hand with his left. "i completely understand why he did that. i just didn't expect him to not show up at my graduation or even call me on my birthday. i mean it's been like a year and he probably forgot about me already."

"but your brothers are here. they've clearly forgiven you if they were upset with you also."

"they were pretty pissed at me also," i admit. "they didn't want anything to do with me for a few weeks. i was given the silent treatment and then i just broke down in front of them. i couldn't handle not talking to my brothers. they're my best friends you know?"

"i guess," he smiles and kisses my hand. "so why haven't they talked to your dad about this situation?"

"they have. he just doesn't want anything to do with me. my aunt even talked to him while visiting atlanta. she said he would just change the subject."

"why don't you just fly over to atlanta and talk to him face to face. maybe he misses you but is too stubborn. once he sees you he'll probably forgive you for whatever you did."

"i don't want to see him either."

"he's your father aylen."

"and i am his daughter. he should be the bigger person."

"sometimes the grown ups need to also learn something. their kids teach them new things everyday and maybe you can teach him about forgiveness."

"oh please," i snort as i lay my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him. "it's whatever now. if he doesn't miss me then fuck him. i'm an amazing person."

"i need to go home," michael announces as soon as i get comfortable cuddling up to him.

"what? why?"

"i-i-i just need to be home now. i'll see you later right?"

"okay?"

"i'm sorry," he smiles. "it was nice talking to you aylen."

"likewise," i smile back awkwardly. "um michael, did i do something wrong?"

"no. god no. aylen you're amazing."

"oh."

i watch him as he puts on his gloves and jacket again. hopefully the snow has died down a little so he can drive safely. he smiles at me as he sees me still sitting down in my bed.

"you did nothing wrong," he assures me and kisses my forehead. "i just need to go home and take in everything."

"like what?"

"i don't know yet aylen."

"come here," i beg as i see him open up my window.

michael is so gorgeous. his messy purple hair is growing on me and i just want to tug on it. he sits down next to me on my bed and smiles. oh god, his smile. his smile is my favorite thing in the world now. it's upsetting how plump and pink his lips naturally are. 

i slowly get a hold of his jaw and move closer to him. his arm goes to my waist and pushes me closer to him. i can feel my heartbeat speed up as he kisses my my neck and i let out a soft moan. i move his face from my neck and have him look at me.

"kiss me," i whisper.


	14. Chapter 14

"can you make your candy apples?" omar asks me.

"when we get home," i roll my eyes. "or tomorrow, it's late."

i really didn't want them to meet ashton but they kept begging me to introduce them. ashton invited us over to his house for pizza and movies. it wasn't really movie night. well, i mean the movie was playing in the background but my brothers and ashton keep laughing over whatever they're talking about. 

ashton's father brought us some cheesecake and pasta from his restaurant and i got so happy. he knows it's my favorite. we literally ate an hour ago, yet these boys are eating like they've never had a meal before in their life. i think it's all the alcohol in their system that's making them hungry.

i can feel my eyes slowly close. i'm tired. i have work in the morning and my arms are sore for some reason. we've been here for four hours and i'm finding myself getting annoyed on how loud they are. 

i feel like a terrible person for bringing my brothers here. they're drunk up the ass and being loud. ashton's parents are probably trying to sleep and these idiots keep laughing every two seconds over water or something.

new years is in two days and ashton invited my brothers to his party. i hate him for doing that. i just really wanted to spend it with my brothers and my aunt only. i haven't seen my brothers in so long and i feel so selfish for not wanting to share them with my boyfriend. 

i'm just happy my morning shift is only five hours long. then i get three days off. i know those five hours are going to feel so long considering i'll probably have only two hours of sleep in me. i really need some sleep. it's about to be two in the morning and i have to be there at seven. 

"hey guys," i sigh as i stand up. "i think we need to get going. i have work tomorrow and i'm tired."

"c'mon red," ashton pouts. "we're having a great time. why don't you just stay?"

"oh no," i shake my head yawning. "i have to take these two home. plus, i don't have any clothes here. i don't want to wake up an hour before just to drive home and shower and stuff."

"you left some clothes in my car last time. they're in my room. you can wear something of mine to sleep in. i can take these two tomorrow morning to your aunts house."

"are you sure?"

"positive," he smiles. "they can sleep in the guest room."

"where would i sleep?"

"my room?"

"that's disrespectful."

"how?" ross asks.

"because ashton's parents live here and i don't want them thinking him and i are doing stuff. they're going to think i'm like, i don't know. i just don't like the idea."

"you're acting like they don't know," ashton sighs. "just go change baby. i'll be up there in a little."

"oh god," i groan and cover my face with my hands. "i really don't want to stay but i feel like i'm going to pass out any minute now."

"goodnight aylen," my brothers wave to me as i head upstairs.

"what about my goodnight kiss!" ashton shouts. i flick him off and keep going upstairs. i can hear my brothers laughing.

"what about my goodnight kiss," michael mocks. he's brushing his teeth with the door open. "you guys are so loud."

"hey i wasn't saying anything down there," i defend myself. "they're the ones being loud."

"okay," he smiles. "are you staying the night or something? it's pretty late."

"yeah," i yawn. "ashton said i can sleep in some of his clothes tonight."

"oh," he nods. 

"yeah. i left some of my clothes in his car last time so i'm going to wear that for work."

"you're working tomorrow? it's two in the morning."

"i know," i groan. "i'm going to be a mess tomorrow. i'm already cranky with all this noise and lack of sleep."

"i can make you some coffee in the morning if you'd like. i have to wake up early anyways."

"i'll be okay michael thank you," i smile and pat his back. "i'm heading to ashton's room. goodnight."

"goodnight aylen," he smiles with toothpaste all over his mouth.

ashton's room never stops to amaze me. it's the complete opposite of him and it terrified me at first. his walls are black and his furniture was also black. the only thing that has color was some posters he has hanged up. i feel like his positive personality got sucked up by his room. 

i close the door behind me and go through his drawers. i find a tank top that's probably meant to be worked out in. ashton probably cut the sides more to show off his body from the side. i quickly remove my clothes and only leave my panties on. i put on ashton's shirt and i'm surprised on how long it is. it fits me like a dress and ashton isn't even that much taller than me. this shirt is oddly comfortable considering the fact that you can see the side of my body. 

i fold my clothes and move them to the corner of his room where his book case is located. i quickly turn on his lava lamp and turn off the light. my number one rule is to never fall asleep with the lights completely off. the darkness fucking terrifies me. 

i don't care if i'm sleeping with someone in the same room. i just don't feel safe. i always have to see what's around me. i blame my older brothers for constantly shoving me in the closet when we were kids. 

i set up the bed and finally lay down. my phone vibrates and it's a message from my aunt asking me where we are. i quickly explain to her the situation and lock my phone again. i turn to my side and stare at ashton's drum kit. i'm actually sad he's going to sell it.

he would tell me stories on how he got inspired to learn how to play the drums. apparently his grandma was very christian and would take him to church every sunday. the church had a band and ashton just thought the drummer was the coolest person ever.

i can feel myself getting more cold by the second. maybe it was an awful idea to just wear a shirt and panties during the winter. i quickly get up and look for ashton's sweatpants. thankfully there were a pair on the floor already. i begin to put them on and see that they're way too big for me. 

"fuck," i groan. they don't even have little elastics that can make them tighter on the waist.

i take them off and walk to the door. i slowly open it and check both sides praying the parents aren't out there. i quickly run to michael's door and knock. he doesn't open the door for me so i just open it. 

his lights are off and i slowly walk to his bed. i almost trip on a shoe but compose myself. i have my hands out hoping i don't bump into something. i finally find his bed and pat it. i sit down and poke his leg. 

"michael," i whisper. he doesn't respond. "michael."

"hm," he groans.

"do you have a pair of sweatpants i can burrow? i'm cold."

"it is cold," he murmurs. his voice is deep and i feel my body doing things to me. "uh yeah i do have some."

"can i see them?"

"they're somewhere on the floor," he yawns and sits up.

"can i turn on the light?"

"sure."

i try my best to tiptoe to the light switch and end up tripping on his shoe again. i can hear michael laughing at me from his bed. i giggle as well and finally find the light switch. i turn it on and look around the room. 

"where?" i ask him.

"hm?" 

i look at him confused to find him looking at my body. i roll my eyes and look around the floor for his sweats. i hold my breasts with my left hand hoping one of them don't pop out in front of michael. that would be extremely embarrassing. 

i finally find the sweatpants and stretch them out to see if they're as big as ashton's. thankfully they're a bit smaller and actually have things to adjust the waist. i quickly put them on and i feel better already.

"thank you," i smile at michael. 

"anytime," he yawns. "can you turn off the light?"

"yeah."

i turn off the light and feel a hand on my waist. i turn around and feel michael's body so close to mine. his head is resting on my neck and i can feel my sleepiness go away. 

"i knew you would look better in my clothes than his."

"do i?" i smile. i wrap my arms around him in a tight hug.

"just wish his shirt wasn't on."

"i think i can do something about that," i whisper.

he moves his head away from my neck and i lift the shirt from my body and set it on the floor. michael's room is pitch black and i'm half naked. 

"i can't see you," he points out. "but i bet you look breath taking."

i smile and grab his hair. his hands go on my waist and move more up to my back. his hands are cold as ice making me feel relaxed. 

"i'm not going to touch you," michael says softly. "not yet at least. it's not right."

"what if i want you to touch me?"

"doesn't make it okay."

"just kiss me."

__________

 

"hi," aunt ledia greets me. "how was work?"

"horrible," i groan and sit on the couch. "my back hurts."

"oh?"

"yeah, i guess i didn't sleep well yesterday. my mattress is much softer."

"where did you sleep?"

"the couch," i lie. "where are ross and omar?"

"they're out with ashton and luke."

"ashton didn't drop them off this morning?"

"he did. the boys just showered and changed and left."

"oh god," i sigh. "well at least they're having fun without me."

"take a hot shower aylen. you need to relax. you look very tense. no one is supposed to be stressed out. it's the holidays."

"you're right," i nod. "i'll be right back then."

everyone in the fucking town was at the store today. i saw michael's mother and we awkwardly chatted. well, it wasn't awkwardly for her, but for me personally. i just had her son on top of me yesterday while the other was downstairs chatting with my brothers. 

i swear my face was as red as a tomato as we talked. luckily she only had a few things to be checked out. she invited me to the new years party also and i thanked her.  

i turn on the shower head hoping the water heats up fast. this bathroom is fucking freezing. i take off my cardigan and blouse. i see a dark purple hickey below my left breast. fucking hell.

"why," i groan and cover my face with my hands. taking off the rest of my clothes i put my music on shuffle. give me love comes on and i feel guilty. ashton loves this song and he loves me. why am i doing this to him? he has done nothing wrong. i quickly change it to the next song and forest comes on. 

"well," i chuckle. my phone loves playing games with me doesn't it?


	15. Chapter 15

i feel weird. so fucking weird. i've met ashton's parents many, many times before but never his whole family. he keeps introducing me to family members every minute and i just can't keep up with names. 

they keep complimenting my pink eyeshadow and i just thank them. it's always weird being complimented on. or maybe that's just me being me again. i always wear pink eyeshadow no matter what and i guess it's just our of the ordinary being appreciated for it. people i see on a daily basis are just used to my boring color.

i never know why i always go for that pink color. it just makes me feel pretty and complete. i usually just put on the eyeshadow and mascara and don't even bother putting on foundation. my skin is actually pretty fucking great considering i drink a shit ton of water and wash it every morning and night. 

but today i felt the need to go all out and cover my freckles up. i hardly ever do this and when i do, i feel out of it. i just don't want ashton's family to think i'm some sort of freak for the amount of freckles that are covering my entire face. i know he loves them and doesn't care what his family thinks, but i do. the first impressions have to always be the best ones.

"this is kinda cool," aunt ledia says to me as i sit next to her on a log. "i never knew ashton had so much family."

"me neither," i sigh. "at least ross and omar are having fun."

"why aren't you?"

"i just wanted to be with you guys for new years. i don't want to start off a new year with a bunch of people i don't know."

"oh honey," she smiles and pays my back. "what matters is that we're together."

"not really. omar and ross are playing beer pong with ashton's cousins and luke while i'm greeting a bunch of old people."

"go with your brothers."

"what about you?"

"amalia should be here soon."

"you invited her?"

"mhm," she nods. "mrs. irwin said it was okay to invite people. so i did so i don't have to feel out of the loop."

"gee thanks for the memo," i roll my eyes. "i should've invited raven."

"i miss raven."

"me too. we don't talk much anymore."

"honey don't stop talking to your friends just because you have a boyfriend. don't be that girl."

"it's not like i did it on purpose. well, it kinda is my fault."

"how?"

"raven used to have this huge crush on ashton," i admit. "i didn't find him attractive at the time and then, i don't know. i guess I just got to know him and his personality is amazing."

"why didn't you find him attractive?"

"he just seemed like a huge douche bag," i shrug. 

"he does doesn't he?" aunt ledia laughs. "now that you pointed that out."

"but he's not. it was just the long hair that made him look that way."

the forest is very calm tonight. the wind is blowing but not as harsh as it usually does. the snow has died down and now i feel like this is an atlanta winter. the snow is melting by the minute and i am so happy. i missed looking at the grass. 

i dismiss myself to my aunt and walk to where my brothers are. ashton and michael's family sure do know how to throw a party. the forest is twenty minutes from the town, which is perfect. everyone is going to camp here after everything is finished and wake up to a cook out.

there's so many camp fires out today. the stars are shining and the sky is so blue. nature is just so beautiful and it sucks how it disappears more and more everyday. 

 

i haven't worn a cardigan in months and I am so thankful i can wear something light today. usually my every day outfits consist of leather jackets with heavy boots so my ass doesn't freeze to death.

it's ten thirty and the day is just going by so slow. i just want it to be midnight so we can get this new year over with. i honestly don't see the point of celebrating a new year. it the same fucking thing everyday. what does a number going up have to do with life? nothing. 

i stand behind ross as he competes with luke and omar in beer pong. i never found this game entertaining. it's honestly so stupid. i wouldn't want a ball that's been held by so many dirty hands to be in my drink. that's so fucking unsanitary. 

michael and i have been avoiding one another all night, and i'm perfectly okay with that. what we did two days ago was a fucking mistake. (i lie to myself)  it was my fault mostly, but he didn't seem to mind. 

he's with ellie and i'm with ashton. it could never work. i don't understand what's going on with me. i usually hook up with guys way older than me. michael is literally a year or two younger than me. 

the game of beer pong has been getting very intense as i see it progress on more. bets are coming out of everyone's mouths and i can't help but giggle at them. most of them are related to tattoos and shoving things up their ass. 

i can feel my phone vibrate. i ignore it but feel it again. i finally take it out and see that's it's a message from michael. i look around the area but he's nowhere to be found. 

michael: why are you ignoring me?

Michael: please reply. :(

aylen: i'm not. you're ignoring me.

michael: no. i just can't talk to you. i wish i could.

aylen: yeah well you can't because apparently your owner doesn't let you have a social life.

michael: ouch, harsh.

aylen: am i not stating facts here? 

michael: you are, which is why it's harsh.

aylen: what do you want michael?

michael: we need to talk.

aylen: okay?

michael: now.

aylen: but it's about to be midnight.

michael: now! meet me by where we all parked our cars in five minutes. 

______________

"y'know having secret meetings isn't fun anymore," i say to him.

"they are to me," he smiles. "hi."

"hey," i smile back and hug him.

he hugs me back tightly and rubs my back. i've come to realize michael's hugs are the single greatest thing in the whole world. he just makes someone feel so safe in his arms. i think i like them so much because he's not a muscular guy. he's literally so fluffy that it makes me so happy. ashton is as hard as a rock and it's so uncomfortable to try to cuddle up to him.  

"you know we have to talk about what we did."

"i know," i sigh.

"let's talk then."

"here? five feet from everyone?"

"no silly. c'mon."

"where are we going?"

"down in the forest somewhere. c'mon. do you trust me?"

"do i have a choice?"

"no," he smiles and takes my hand in his.

_________________

 

"tell me something good," michael says to me as we sit down by a giant oak tree. 

"what do you mean?"

"i mean anything. you usually talk about sad things. i want to know something good about you."

"i used to play the piano."

"oh yeah?"

"mhm," i nod. "i was like thirteen."

"what's up with you doing these amazing things and just giving them up?"

"i guess i just grew up."

"that's not a good excuse."

"it's the only one i can come up with on the spot."

"hm."

"what?"

he says nothing. he's completely mute. i look at him and he's looking up at the stars. his features are barely noticeable from the lack of light the sky is giving us.  

"i used to play the piano too," he finally says.

"oh yeah?"

"mhm. then i just dropped it and started playing the guitar. since i wasn't really exposed to sports and stuff when i was a kid, i got into music. my mom was a huge country music fan and i wanted to play her some songs when she was sad."

"you're a fucking angel then."

"yeah," he snorts. "i guess."

"you're sweet michael."

"you think so?"

"of course. i've never seen you do anything bad. i've never heard anyone say anything negative about you either."

"that's good then. it's nice hearing those things. i never really hear good things about me."

"well i can remind you every time we're together then." 

"thank you," he smiles and kisses my cheek. "you're so nice to me."

"you deserve to be treated right."

"and you treat me right, right?"

"right," i nod and lay my head on his shoulder. our fingers are intertwined and we can hear the party getting louder. the music is blasting and we don't mind. 

i feel like i'm in my own little world when i'm around michael. he just makes me forget about my problems. i think it's just the way he talks. it's so soothing.

"can we talk about what we did now?"

"what is there to say really?"

"i mean aylen. we basically fucked."

"no we didn't? there was no penis inside of me." 

"but there was a tongue inside of you."

"and you said you wouldn't touch me," i joke.

"i just don't want this to effect our friendship."

"it's not. we're still friends."

"i'd hope so."

"i mean the only way we're not friends anymore is when you tell me you don't want me in your life anymore."

"i am always going to want you in my life aylen."

"good," i smile up at him. he leans in and kisses me.

"we need to stop doing this."

"what?"

"this," he sighs and kisses me again. "it's wrong."

"maybe that can be your new years resolution." 

"that can't be it."

"why not? you say it's wrong."

"doesn't mean i don't like it."

"oh michael," i groan. "why are we such complicated shits?"

"i honestly don't know. i blame the forest."

"it's always the forest."

"and look where we are now," he points to the trees. 

"maybe our new years resolution can be for us to calm down. we need to keep our hands off each other."

"i think i can do that."

"good because i really like our friendship and don't want our hormones to ruin it for us." 

"friendship first," he agrees.

"so can i give you a blow job now since we start tomorrow fresh?" i ask him.

"if you want," he laughs knowing it's a joke. 

"cool," i nod and laugh with him.

the party music is cut off and they start chanting the countdown. michael and i stand up from where we are and count down together.

"five," we say to one another holding hands. "four, three, two, one."

fireworks start popping and i immediately hug michael covering my face in his chest. i hate the sound of fireworks. he chuckles and takes my face in his chin.

i look up at him and he's smiling down at me. 

"i really hope i don't fuck up my new years resolution," he says before kissing me.


	16. Chapter 16

"how are things with calum anyways?" i ask raven.

we met up at a small coffee shop to catch up. we haven't talked much ever since she started working for this office in the city. also, her and calum are always together. i wonder if calum ever told that girl from his sociology class he had a crush on her. he probably got rejected or something.

i'm actually glad he did. him and raven are so cute together. raven is still gorgeous as ever. it's 2015 now and i feel like i need to reconnect with my friends. 

"oh we broke up," she replies and takes a sip of her tea. "we just weren't connecting anymore. then i found out from luke that he's hooking up with this girl from his class now."

well i guess he did tell her after all.

"and are you okay? why didn't you tell me this?"

"it wasn't a big deal aylen. we only dated for like a month. it was nothing. besides, i don't really have time for a boyfriend anymore. my job wants me to send in a resume and portfolio for this small job at urban outfitters."

"urban outfitters?" i gasp. "like a model? that's fucking huge."

"yeah," she squeals. "i know. i don't know how it happened but it did. i'm sending the portfolio tomorrow and i'm nervous. what if i'm not good enough?"

"are you kidding me? you're gorgeous. you are totally going to get the job."

"i hope so. you know i never bothered applying for college. so i'm praying this could take me to potential bigger things. i don't have a plan b."

"that would be so amazing. did you do face and body shots?"

"both," she smiles. "it was something fast."

"who took your pictures?"

"michael did."

"clifford?"

"yeah," she nods. "i asked him last time he was at a party. we did it last week in his garage. he has background and stuff."

"backgrounds?"

"yeah. i mean he also needs to start his portfolio for his application for college."

"so he's going to college?" why hasn't he told me this?

"for photography. he said he still isn't sure about it, but bought the stuff just incase. he's going to start taking face shots of people and stuff. he already did ellie and his two cousins. he asked me to be one also."

"and you said yes?"

"fuck yeah girl. he was doing my portfolio for free. with those pictures he picks the ones he likes to use also."

"do you have one of the pictures in your phone?"

i'm curious to how michael's work looks like. i've only seen one of his pictures and it was pretty good. of course it wasn't of a person but it was still something. i never really bugged him to let me see his stuff. 

"yeah," she smiles and takes out her phone. "he emailed me a few but I have them all on my laptop. I only saved one on my phone."

 

"holy shit," i gasp as she shows me the picture. "you look.. oh my god. raven."

"i know," she giggles. "i'm so happy you convinced me to get my septum pierced. it suits me so well."

"you're welcome. michael did an amazing job."

"he did. i told him if i ever became a famous model i would put out a good word for him."

"for what?"

"so he could get recognition as well aylen," she snorts. "why else?"

"you're right. shit. sorry."

"are you okay?"

"yeah," i lie.

michael took pictures of ellie? why hasn't he asked me to be a model for him? does he not think i'm pretty enough? does he think i'll reject him?

"i'll let you know how it goes. yeah?"

"yeah," i nod.

____________

 

"are you sure you're supposed to add three eggs in the batter?"

"who's baking here?" ashton sassily asks. "you sit and watch."

"yes sir," i giggle. 

apparently ashton knows how to make the best brownies known to man. i asked his step mom about it and she just shrugged. they're probably really awful and no one wants to tell him.

"i'm going to add chocolate chips in it to make it more chocolaty. is that cool with you?"

"of course. why even ask? put bars of chocolate in there if you'd like. i'm all for the sweets."

"that's my girl," he smiles. 

"hey aylen," michael greets me as he walks in the kitchen. 

"hi," i greet back. his hair hair dye is fading and is turning into a lilac color almost. i prefer this instead of the bold purple. 

"do you want to help make brownies?" ashton asks michael. 

"'no thanks," he snorts. "i have stuff to do in the garage."

"ellie again?" 

"no. i'm editing on the desktop."

"what are you editing michael?" i ask him hoping he answers truthfully. 

"just some pictures i've taken," he shrugs. "nothing special."

"you should show red," ashton suggests. "they're pretty great aylen."

"are they?"

"i guess they are if ashton says," michael smiles. "do you want to join me in the garage?"

"are you going to kill me?" i joke.

"probs," he shrugs. "c'mon."

"are you going to be okay alone?" i ask ashton.

"of course," he nods. "i still have to make this apple pie."

"okay," i smile and kiss his shoulder. "i'll be back soon."

i walk behind michael confused. i never even knew they even had a garage. from what i've seen is the four bedrooms upstairs and the huge ass living room and kitchen downstairs. there was nothing else to it.

"we have to go in the backyard to go to the garage," he explains. i just nod and keep walking. it's pretty chilly outside but it feels amazing. i've never seen the backyard to this house and god is it huge. 

"don't laugh," michael says as he opens the door for me to the small shed. "it's not ready yet. i'm still working on decorating."

the inside is actually pretty big. it's bigger than my room and that says something. the walls are all white and there's a few pictures hung up. i walk around and observe. i can feel michael's eyes watch my every move but i ignore him.

the picture that really caught my eyes is of a couple. the guy is hugging a female as she's taking off her shirt and putting it on top of his head. i'm not sure why but it made me smile like an idiot. 

 

"that's my cousin and his wife," michael explains. 

"it's a nice shot."

"thanks," he smiles. "it was pretty awkward considering she was like half naked during it."

"that's art for you," i smile back. "i didn't know you started a portfolio."

"who told you that?"

"a little birdie."

"raven?" he asks rolling his eyes. "it's not even that big of a deal. i'm not sure if i'm even going to actually send it. it's just of an idea of mine for now."

"i think you should send it."

"i don't know aylen. i mean photography? i love it and all, but it's hard to actually make money out of it."

"you just said you love it. do you really want to live a life with a career you don't like? no. you aren't going to be happy."

"then that means my life won't change," he chuckles. "i don't even know if i'm good enough for the college i want to apply to."

"and what college is that?"

"you caught me. i don't know. i don't have an eye on one yet. i don't even know if i'm even good enough to be accepted to any kind of college."

"from what i can see you are. michael you need to be more positive when it comes to things like this. this is your future we are talking about here. let me see what we're working with here."

"do you want to really see?" he asks curiously.

"of course."

"no one ever wants to see my pictures. my mom thinks it's a waste of my time."

"don't listen to her. c'mon let me see it," i encourage. 

he smiles and nods. michael walks to his desk and waves me to walk over to him. i do as told and stand behind him. he scrolls on his menu and finally click on his picture file. there had to be at least twenty files with more than fifty pictures in each. 

"do you want to sit down?"

"no i'm okay. thank you."

he clicks on a file that says 'megan'. he only has one picture inside this file and god i am shook. the girl is fucking gorgeous. she has the same piercings as me and they look ten times better on her. i could never pull off a turtleneck like her. even her jawline is perfection.

 

"i am in love with her," i whisper without thinking.

"what?" he snorts and begins to giggle. "that's my half sister."

"you have a sister?"

"yeah. my dad had more kids after me."

"well she's hot."

"well, she's 15 and lives in california."

"oh shit nevermind."

"yeah," he giggles some more. "i'll let her know you said that."

"tell her to hit me up in three years."

"will do."

he quickly moves to another folder that titles 'forest'. this one has a couple of more pictures than the one before.

"i haven't really transferred the rest of my pictures to my desktop. they're all in the memory cards. that's why my folders aren't piled up. this folder is one of my favorite, just because i'm always in nature so i can get good shots. oh um, do you want some water? i'm heading inside to get some and maybe make some popcorn."

"oh yeah please."

"i'll be right back then. you can sit down and look at the pictures if you want. will be back in five."

"okay," i smile at him.

i begin to browse into the file and fuck. michael is so talented. each picture is so fucking amazing. how can someone be so talented and not know it?

 

 

after finishing looking at pictures of trees and i water, i decided to move to another file. i smile as i see a file filled with pictures of ashton. some pictures are out of focus and blurry. it was probably when michael just started taking pictures. these pictures look really old. ashton's fashion sense changed a lot.

i scroll on more files and see ellie's name pop out. i bite my lip and look at the door. michael is probably helping ashton with his brownies or something. i click on the ellie file and god do i regret it already. there are so many pictures of her half nude. she's sleeping in most and i don't know if i should feel weirded out by this or jealous. i want someone to love me the way michael loves ellie.

i scroll more into the picture and wow. i never knew michael cared for ellie this much. i hardly see them together but just by looking at these pictures it shows. most of these were probably when they first started going out. her hair was light brown and looked healthy. unlike now, her hair looks so fucking damaged with all the hair dye she puts in it.

the one picture that really stood out for me is one where she is lying in bed. it was probably in her room and michael went over. she doesn't have a shirt on, which probably means they fucked after this was taken. she looks so tired as she holds michael's hand.

i'm not going to lie. they're perfect together. if she wasn't a psychotic bitch, maybe i would've liked her.

 

this folder has over two hundred pictures and i begin to feel sick. i quickly exit out of the folder and stand up. i take a deep breath and go outside. i look around the backyard and see a few old rusted bikes on the floor.

"they're busted," michael yawns as he opens the back door of the house. "ashton and i used to ride them a lot."

"where is ashton?"

"in the living room. he's watching tv."

"i should probably go back to him."

"he's fine," he says and hands me a water bottle. "let's go inside the garage."

"okay," i half smile and open the door for him.

"did you like the pictures of the forest?"

"yeah. the water fall is fucking insane. is that the place you were talking about last time?"

"my secret spot?"

"mhm," i nod.

"that's the one. i'll show you one day maybe."

"maybe?" 

"yeah."

"why maybe?"

"it won't be special if i just take someone who might not stick around."

"what do you mean?" i whisper. "you don't think i'm going to stick around?"

"i don't know aylen," he replies and eats some of his popcorn. "you're starting college soon and probably won't come over more."

"of course i'm still coming over. ashton is my boyfriend and i will be here."

"so what's going to happen if you two brake up?"

"i'll still come over for you."

"bull fucking shit aylen." 

"what is your problem?" i ask frustrated. "do you like arguing with me?"

"i'm not arguing with you. i'm just telling it how it is."

"you really think i'll leave you?"

"maybe."

"is that why you never asked me to be in your portfolio?"

"what?" he asks confused. 

"you've taken pictures of people before but never of me. why? am i not good enough for your fucking portfolio?"

i don't know why i'm so hurt by this but i am. 

"i like taking pictures of things and people i love."

"you haven't taken any pictures of me?"

"oh, I know. give me time please. i'll get there one day. i promise aylen."

"so you don't love me?" 

"can we talk about this later?"

"you know what?" i huff and walk to the door. "whatever michael. i get it. our friendship is all bullshit. i actually cared for you. clearly i mean nothing to you."

"are you serious right now?" he asks raising his voice. "you're fucking joking right?"

"apparently not," i smile and walk out of the studio garage.


	17. Chapter 17

people always seem to think 'starting' a new year will give you a restart from your current life. well, it doesn't always fucking happen. okay? so don't get your hopes up. i know i never do when it comes to anything.

literally anything can fucking happen and we just don't know it. that's what sucks about life you know? one day everything is rainbows and puppies. other days it's sadness and fear. 

i guess that's what makes life, life. right?

i start college in a week and the first few weeks of 2015 have been spent in a hospital, in atlanta. my grandma is in a coma and has not woken up. i haven't slept in a bed in four days and my back is killing me.

according to my grandpa, she woke up one morning to take her medicine and the pill fell from her hand. as she was reaching to pick it up she started getting chest pains. apparently the pain was so strong it made her collapse to the ground and caused her to hit her head on the night stand. she hasn't woken up since..

ashton keeps calling and texting me. he really wants to fly to atlanta to comfort me. i don't need comfort. i just want my nana to wake up so i can go back home. i miss my small bed. i miss cuddling up with my aunts dog. i never knew north carolina would be missed by me.

my dad hasn't bothered talking to me. we've been in the same room for almost a week, nothing. when we arrived to the hospital my grandpa meet up with us up front. he was crying when he hugged me. i cried too. i missed him. he doesn't know the exact reason why i moved to another state. he just knows my dad and i aren't on talking terms. 

"he'll come around," he said to me.

oh how i wished it was that simple. i guess i sorta want to fix things with my dad. i just wouldn't admit it out loud. i guess the only pro on having a conscience is thinking things you can't say out loud. just isn't good for over thinking. 

it's eight in the morning and my brothers woke me up. i have been sleeping in this chair these past few days and have only showered twice out of the five days i have been here. we're at the nearest mcdonalds and they both look at me with concerned faces.

"what?" i yawn. 

"i think we need to take you home so you can shower."

"okay," i nod. "do you think we're going to finally get inside to see nana?"

"um," ross sighs. "i think dad said we're not allowed in." 

"why not?"

"you know why."

"i don't care if she has tubes inside her fucking mouth. i don't care about him thinking it will fuck me up. she is my grandma and i have to see her. he isn't the boss of me."

"aylen please don't be complicated."

"it's just fucked up ross. he expects me to actually listen to him? he hasn't had the balls to even say one word to me."

"he also told the nurse we're not allowed entry."

"what?"

"he told her when we first arrived to the hospital."

"what exactly did he say?"

"um," he says as he scratches his neck. "well, he talked to the nurses and said we're not emotionally prepared to see nana like that. that he doesn't want us seeing her that way just incase it's our last memory of her."

"he's such a dick!" i huff. "what the fuck is wrong with him? he doesn't know what i can handle emotionally."

"just fucking let it go," omar groans. "you're making breakfast unappetizing."

"oh fuck off," i flick him off. "y'all are both stupid for even letting dad decide if you can or can't see grandma. also, it's mcdonalds. it's unappetizing either way." 

"i mean he does pay the bills."

"not my fucking bills. i'm seeing her and that's that."

 

__________

few days later 

seeing her was an awful idea. why didn't i listen? tears fell down instantly as i saw her. she didn't look like my grandmother. she was swollen all over. she was always a small lady. her face was always full of life. 

her skin was pale. super duper pale. i couldn't believe it. i just wished she had her eyes open. hopefully she heard me talking to her. the doctor said she can but i'm not really sure.

i'm back home and i don't feel right. i hate the fact that i'm hours away from my nana. she is in a bed, not being able to move her legs or fingers, or anything. 

ashton came over to drop off my aunts dog. he was taking care of her while we were gone. he also brought us some food. he is so sweet. 

michael texted me saying he's going to pray for my nana. i thanked him of course. ashton probably told him i was over at atlanta. 

i start my first day of college tomorrow and i am not excited anymore. my mind is flying all over the place.

once ashton left i went to my room and cried. my aunts dog kept scratching at my door hoping i'd lopen up. i couldn't. i didn't want her looking at me like this. 

my aunt has also been down. i wish i knew how it feels to have a mother in a hospital. it probably feels fucking horrible. i want to feel as awful as her so i can join her. 

of course i'm sad nana is in the hospital. i don't like the idea of her being laid in bed for so long. it can do horrible things to a person. i just probably don't feel the way aunt ledia does. 

my brothers dropped us off at the airport and my father didn't even bother saying goodbye to me. i don't care. at least i make myself believe i don't. it hurts. why do i always lie to myself? 

it's ten o'clock and i am wide awake. i take out my sketch pad and begin to doodle. first started off as a few plants, trees, sunset. got my colored pencils as the time went by and finally started drawing some red hair. added a hat to the red hair.. as i finished i realized i drew michael again.

i completely zoned out. i even added a piercing on his eyebrow. maybe i was lying to myself again. hoping it wasn't michael. i need to really keep my shit together. i need to stop having michael in my head. 

he just constantly consumes my mind. i don't mean for him to always pop up randomly. i don't even understand why. he clearly doesn't care for me as much as i care for him.


	18. Chapter 18

michael's pov.

moose blood playing in the background mixed with the thunder is making me feel very relaxed as the warm water soaks on my pale skin. the bruises on my chest are fading away but the pain isn't. the pain will always be there. pain is just so normal to me that it's weird when i don't feel it. 

i inflicted pain on myself tonight just to see if it makes the pain turn into something different. apparently everything feels the same to me. the blood smears on my thigh as i apply pressure on it with a wash cloth. 

ellie and i got in a huge argument yesterday as she looked deep into my computer files. i have nothing to hide from her on my computer but apparently she thinks i do. i'm just glad she didn't bother opening my drawers on my desk. i have a memory card filled with photos that would surely get me beaten to death.

the bathrooms white walls are making me feel a little nauseous. i turn off the water from the tub and remove the cork. i slowly watch as the water gets sucked up by the drain. i close my eyes for a little bit as i lay on the bathtub naked. i'm cold and i don't care. 

i finally let out a deep breath and stand up. i wrap the towel on my waist and pick up my clothes from the floor. i lay my ear on the door to hear if anyone is passing by. i don't hear anyone so i quickly swing open the door and rush to my room. i can hear aylen's giggle from the living room causing me to roll my eyes.

we haven't really said much to one another since the day she stormed off from the garage. i texted her later that night but she left me on read. i don't understand why she was so upset. it was only pictures? i guess i just don't understand girls in general. 

i can feel chills coming up my spine as i go inside my room. it's like fifty degrees outside and i have the window open. i quickly close my door and close the window. i open up the air vent and warm air immediately rushes into my room.

i remove my towel, dry myself up and begin to change into my pajamas (which is basically sweatpants and a regular white t-shirt). my cut stings a little as the material of my sweatpants rubs against my thigh. i sit down on my bed and look down at my guitar. it's ruined. 

i can't believe ellie went too far. she knew how much i love my guitar. i'm just glad she hit my chest and not something else with it. if she ever did my face again ashton and maybe aylen would surely ask questions like last time. 

i'm tired of being ellie's rag doll. i love her but it's just too much for me at times. i don't think abusive relationships are healthy and i know she's not good for me. i know she's not good for me but she's all i have. my mom says to just let it go.

i guess. ellie is the only person i know how to properly love, and maybe that's why i always put up with her bullshit. she knows all of me and i know all of her. i don't think i would want to start all over with someone new. i mean all i know is ellie. i've only slept with one girl and that's her. i've only loved one girl and that's her again.

sometimes i over think when i can't sleep at night and it tears me up. i always think about the love i have for my girlfriend. do i even really love her? do i say i love her in my head so much that i start to believe it? do i just say i love her because i'm secretly afraid of her?

so many questions run my mouth when i'm not able to sleep. would i act different? would i still feel this deep emptiness in my chest at times? would i have different friends? i will never know. 

my thoughts fade as i hear ashton and aylen argue downstairs. they're pretty fucking loud if i can hear them all the way from my room on the second floor. i slowly open my door and peak my head enough to see aylen sitting down on the couch. 

she's wearing that fucking cream colored sweater i love seeing her in. her arms are crossed across her chest as ashton is sitting down on the coffee table in front of her. i can't see ashton's face but from what his back can tell, he's pretty pissed. his muscles are tense and he's tapping on the table with his index finger. 

"how long have you been talking to this guy?"

"why does it even matter?" aylen asks him. "steven and i are just friends. he lives all the way in california! it's not like i'm cheating on you or something."

"that's so weird red. why are you even talking to a random guy online? he could be a pervert for all you know." 

"he's not random."

"you've never met the kid, yet you consider him a friend?"

"he's like my best friend."

"are you serious?" he chuckles.

"we facetime all the time! he's the guy in his pictures."

"you facetime him?" 

i let out a quite sigh and decide to go downstairs. this 'fight' is so stupid honestly. i close my room's door and walk downstairs. aylen smiles at me and i smile back. ashton turn his head to look at me and looks back at aylen.

"i'm going to get something to eat," i inform them so i don't seem sketchy. "do y'all want something?"

"can you make popcorn? ashton and i were about to make a movie," aylen lies.

"sure," i nod and walk to the kitchen.

____________

i'm so fucking stupid. i didn't realize the blood from my thigh was still gushing out. i forgot to patch it up before i put on my clothes. in mid movie i noticed the stain of blood drops seeping through the material.

i dismissed myself from aylen and ashton and rushed upstairs to put on a few bandaids. i decided to not join them again after i changed sweatpants. i lay on my bed and look through my pictures on my iphone.

i look at pictures from two years where i still had long hair and fuck. who told that was a good idea? i looked like an actual rat.

i yawn and close my eyes. i'm so sleepy but i'm not even tired. does that even make sense? i can feel myself drift into sleep until i hear my door creak open.

"what?" i groan not bothering opening my eyes. 

"we need to talk."

"can't we talk tomorrow or something?"

"no," she sighs. "i'm flying tomorrow for my grandmas funeral and i want to do this now."

"oh," i yawn and quickly sit up. "i'm sorry for your loss. i didn't know she passed."

"yeah," she nods. "my  grandpa, aunt, uncle, and dad decided to just let her sleep for good. she wasn't going to wake up either way. there was no point on letting a machine let her keep suffering."

"well at least she's not plugged in with tubes and stuff. she's resting for good now."

"yeah. i don't want to think about that."

"come sit down," i pat my bed. 

"i'm okay standing. i need to make this quick. i told ashton i was just going to say goodbye to you."

"okay," i nod preparing myself.

"i'm sorry i bursted out of the garage that day. i overreacted."

"okay?"

"and i shouldn't just expect you to ask me if i want to be in your portfolio. of course i respect your decision on who you want to include in it. i respect that you only take pictures of people you only love. i understand you don't love me and why would you? i'm your brothers girlfriend and that's weird. right?"

i don't say anything to her. i just stare. what is there to say? 

"i'm crazy right?" she asks me.

i still don't reply. we look at one another for a few seconds until finally, she walks up to me. 

"i need to to hear you say you don't love me michael."

"why?" i finally ask.

"I want to know."

"why?"

"just say it."

"i can't," i whisper.

"why not?"

"you know i care about you aylen."

she sighs and looks around my room. i watch her as she stares at my broken guitar. she looks at me with a shocked face and back to my guitar.

"what did you do?" she gasps.

"not me," i sigh.

"then who di- no."

"yep," i nod.

"what a bitch!" she slurs. "what's wrong with her? what did you do for her to do that?"

"absolutely nothing. you know, the usual."

"i'm going to kick her ass."

"no, no," i chuckle and stand up. "there will be no ass kicking. you don't have to defend my honor."

"michael that's not okay. it's not like you go to her house and brake something she loves."

"what can i do aylen? i can't do much. my mom says i can't really yell at ellie."

"do it. she needs to understand that this is not okay. what kind of fucked up person just decides to brake a guitar that's not even hers?"

"i don't know aylen," i sigh and rub my neck. "ellie can be pretty scary."

"so can i," she smiles. "i have two brothers that used to fight with me for fun. i can kick ass."

"i don't like violence."

"whatever. hey, when are you getting the tattoo tyler wrote down for you?"

"i don't know," i shrug. "i want to do it soon. i just don't know where."

"how about your forearm?"

"i don't know. i kinda wanted a design with the writing. i sorta want to do it on my right leg but it's literally all filled in."

"what do you mean?"

"meaning my right leg is filled with tattoos and can't fit anymore."

"you have tattoos on your leg?"

"mhm," i nod. "you didn't know?"

"well i've never really seen your legs before." 

"i could have wooden legs and you wouldn't even know it."

"shut up," she giggles. "i'd love to see your tattoos soon."

"hopefully when it's warm again."

"well i guess i'll see you when i come back?"

"okay," i smile.

"bye," she smiles back and walks to my door.

"bye aylen. sleep well."

"hopefully."

there are three things i just realized as i watch her leaving my room. one, how the fuck has she not see my legs yet? two, would she actually fight ellie or is she just saying that to make me laugh? three, i love aylen but i would never tell her. 

what's the point? once you tell someone you love them they use that as an advantage to crush you.


	19. Chapter 19

"you're going to be fine, right? i mean you've been alone before and you did good. right?" aunt ledia asks me again for the hundredth time. "it's just a week."

"yes," i assure her. "are you?"

"i'm a grown woman aylen. just call me when ashton picks you up from the airport."

"i will. don't worry. i think i can handle myself on an airplane alone."

"okay," she smiles and hugs me. "i'm going to call you everyday."

"i will also keep you updated on your dog."

"of course. thank ashton again for taking care of her for us." 

"he doesn't mind. he knows the situation."

"right."

"i better get going," i sigh. "i really wish i could stay longer."

"me too."

"hopefully grandad can move with my uncle or dad. i don't want him being alone."

"that's why i'm staying with him this week. i'm scared of what he'll do to himself if he's alone in that house. i'll talk to your dad and rick about the whole thing. i'll keep you updated."

"okay," i nod. "bye, i guess."

"have a safe trip," she hugs me again.

________

i always feel lightheaded when an airplane lands. it's wednesday and i already know i missed so much in my classes. i'm going to be so confused but thankfully i emailed my professors and they understand. 

they emailed me some slides with what they talked about monday and tuesday along with the assignments due friday. i call ashton right as i get my luggage but no answer. he knew he had to pick me up today at noon. i even texted him yesterday to remind him.

after an hour of trying to get a reach on him i give up. i call michael and thankfully he answers on the fifth ring. 

"hey," he answers.

"are you with ashton?"

"no," he yawns. "i'm in school. he should be home."

"you can answer your phone in school?"

"well it's lunch hour so."

"do you know if ashton has his phone on him? i've been trying to get a hold of him for over an hour now and no answer. he was supposed to pick me up at the airport."

"i don't know aylen. i can pick you up if you'd like?"

"no it's okay michael. i can just call luke. i don't want you missing class."

"okay. if you still need a ride let me know."

"will do," i nod.

_________

 

"there she is," luke smiles as he parks on the side of the pickup section. 

"hi," i smile back and open the passenger door. "sorry i called you last minute."

"it's fine. i just finished class."

"oh," i yawn. "sorry. i'm just sleepy."

"are you okay? michael told me. i'm sorry for your loss aylen."

"i'm okay," i lie. "i mean i don't feel amazing but what can you do?"

"well if you need anyone to talk to."

"thanks."

the weather today in north dakota is lovely. the sun is out finally and i can see birds flying. i ask luke if it's okay to roll the window and he nods yes. i roll it down and stick my head out. the wind feels amazing on my skin. i take off my beanie and let the air take off. i giggle to myself as the cars on the side look at me like i'm crazy. i probably am.

"you're not cold? he asks me.

"no," i yawn. "i feel great."

"that's good. i'm glad."

"i'm really okay luke. it took me a good talking to with my brothers to realize my nana is better off like this. i feel like once someone dies it's better for them than us. we are filled with sadness over not being able to talk or see someone we love. they are gone and we have to face reality. they want us to go on with our lives and live it to the fullest since they can't. i know it's fucked up talking about her death like this but it's just true. my nana doesn't want me to be sad. she wants me to live my life and finish college and have a career."

"if you put it that way," he shrugs. "i guess that's a way into looking at it. when my grandmother died i was pretty sad for a good five months."

"and where did that take you?"

"nowhere good."

"exactly. we are sad over something that is worth being sad about but for how long is it okay? some people probably say forever but really forever? you just have one life and you don't want to waste a chunk being sad about someone leaving you. of course you'll miss them a fuck ton but why cry over it? it won't make them come back."

"i missed our talks aylen."

"well considering it was just me talking and you listening," i joke. "me too."

"you just always explain life in a very interesting way. you should be those people that speak to students."

"like those pep talking people?"

"yeah," he nods.

"i don't like talking in front of a lot of people. i get really nervous."

"is that why you almost tripped when the principle handed you your diploma at graduation?" he giggles.

"i'm sorry i have two left feet."

"okay, okay. i'm going to stop teasing. plug in your phone and put some tunes on. we still have twenty minutes until we reach town."

he didn't have to ask me twice. i quickly get the aux cord and plug it into my iphone. kathleen by catfish and the bottlemen blasts into luke's car and we start singing along.

"i've gotta give it to you! you give me problems! when you are not in the mood. i've gotta give it to you, you give me problems!" we shout. 

our hands sway to the music and i smile. i really needed this. i think i've gotten everyone i know into catfish and the bottlemen and that is so amazing. it's like doing charity work y'know? gotta bless the children with pretty music.

 

26 comes up next and i pretend to air guitar in the passenger seat. luke instantly starts patting on the wheel hard. this was always our favorite song from the album. 

"i'll come based on facts like she'll be there. making self-control leave me. she'll stand there selling bricks to the rioters. i can't believe you're 26!" luke sings out loud. 

this ride is the happiest i've been in these past two weeks. who knew a car ride, with the windows down and your favorite music blasting is just what a person needs?   
_________

"yes. please just drop her off."

"will be there in five," michael replies. 

apparently ashton is passed out in the tub. he didn't answer his cellphone because it's in his room and on vibrate. michael called me to inform me about ashton's reasoning of not answering my call and to drop off the dog.

i start unpacking and find a picture of my brothers and i in between all my clothes. they probably printed out some old picture of us and stuffed them in my bag. 

the living room is a complete mess considering we left everything in place when my dad called my aunt. we got the first flight to atlanta and didn't care how expensive it was. i'm just happy my aunt paid for it because being a college student means you're on a budget.

the dishes are washed, mopped the floor and took out the trash. i sit on the couch and looked at my phone. it's been twenty minutes and michael still hasn't arrived. 

my phone vibrates as i finish my thought. "speaking of the devil," i say to myself. 

i put my phone in my pocket and open the front door. i sit on the front porch stairs and wait for michael to arrive. he said he was two minutes away. thankfully those two minutes turned into seconds.

i see my aunt's dog in the trunk as michael pulls up. also, she wasn't alone. there is a shit ton of flowers and plants scattered all over michael's trunk. 

"what's all this?" i ask him as he gets out.

"these?" he points at the plants. "they're all yours."

"for me?" i snort. "why?"

"well," he shrugs. "i was thinking. usually at funerals you buy the person flowers. but why give them flowers when they're dead? we should give them flowers when they're alive too. now, i don't know if you've ever given your grandmother flowers before. i just decided on doing this now instead of your funeral because i know you're going to live forever with me."


	20. Chapter 20

the wombats blast loudly as bodies are grinding against each other in the living room. it's one in the morning and ashton's parents are out of town. he decided to have a 'get together' at his place tonight. i'm just happy they're playing music i enjoy. i can only handle so much pop music for so long. 

i sip on my tea as i see the drunk people on the floor dancing. ashton is sitting next to me chatting up with calum. i lay my hand on his thigh. i'm surprised i'm not sleepy. usually by eleven o'clock i'm knocked out.

raven came for once and we chatted up for a little bit. she mentioned getting the job at urban after all and she's flying next week to los angeles. i'm so happy for her. at least she's doing something with her life. i'm always locked up in my room studying for a stupid fucking class that seems so pointless. 

i excuse myself to ashton and calum. i walk around the house and find luke sitting down next to michael in the kitchen. michael looks up at me and luke follows his gaze. i smile at them and sit down. 

"hi," i greet them.

"hey aylen," luke smiles. "i'm surprised you're still around."

"me too. usually i'm out of here by ten."

"are you enjoying yourself?" michael asks me.

"i guess," i shrug. "who's music is playing?"

"mine."

"you fuck with the wombats clifford?"

"my music taste is amazing aylen. what did you expect?"

"true," i roll my eyes. 

"do you want another beer man?" luke asks michael. "i'm about to go for my fourth round."

"i'm good," michael shows his filled red cup. 

"since when do you drink?" i whisper to michael.

"i don't," he chuckles. "i just walk around with this so people don't bug me."

"don't they notice you never sipping on it?"

"i pretend to sip on it time to time. i spill some down the drain sometimes as i pass the sink so i don't seem sketchy."

"fair enough. why don't you like drinking?"

"never saw the point of it," he shrugs. "i don't like smoking either, or whatever the kids do these days."

"i don't like drinking either," i scrunch my nose. "it taste nasty. it's also bad for you."

"so is smoking but you still do it."

"it's not like i always do it."

"it's still bad for you aylen."

"whatever," i roll my eyes.

"when i saw you smoking for the first time it made my stomach feel a little uneasy."

"why?" 

"because i didn't know such a pretty girl would have such an ugly addiction."

"i am not addicted to smoking michael."

"how do i know that?" 

"why would you think that? i hardly ever fucking smoke. i only do it if someone offers it to me. also, why do you fucking care if i smoke? it's my body."

"yeah but i also care for you health," he folds his arms. "i don't want you to risk yourself on getting cancer."

"i'm not going to die michael." 

"everybody dies aylen. by smoking you're trying to get there faster."

"oh fuck off," i roll my eyes and leave the table.

"aylen," michael groans and follows me.

i walk to the living room and see ashton still sitting down on the sofa. he's nodding his head to the music and looks up at me.

"hi red," he smiles. 

"hi," i smile back and wrap my legs on his lap. 

"what are you doing?" ashton giggles. he's so cute when he's wasted.

"just kiss me," i reply and kiss his neck. 

i know i'm doing this in front of michael on purpose and i don't care. i begin to grind on ashton's crouch slowly. i can hear ashton's moan softly in my ear as i suck on his skin.

"do you want to take this upstairs?" ashton asks me.

"yeah," i nod and grab his hand to drag him up the stairs.

we walk past michael and i don't even bother making eye contact with him. 

________________

my alarm wakes me up. i fucking hate myself for forgetting to turn it off. it's eight in the morning and my eyes burn. i groan and turn my body to the other side. i wrap my arm across ashton's chest and sigh. it's cool in his room and his body heat is making me feel very relaxed. 

i hum softly as i look at the wall. i will forever hate myself for not being able to fall back asleep once i wake up. it could be 7 am and running on two hours of sleep and still not be able to sleep. i should probably go downstairs to find some sleeping pills. 

i slowly remove my grip from ashton and pick up my clothes from the floor and move it to the side of the room. i look at the bed and ashton is cuddling on the pillow. i smile to myself and put on his shirt and sweatpants. 

i slowly walk to the door and try not to wake him up when going down the stairs. i quickly rush as i go down the stairs and see that there are people passed out on the floor. 

"oh god," i whisper in disgust. the living room is a mess. i pick up a few cups from the floor and toss them in the trash. i open the sink cabinets and take out the big black trash bags. 

i begin cleaning up the mess and stop instantly as i hear the front door open. i turn to see michael trying compose himself. he's struggling as he walks to the front of the house. 

"are you okay?" i ask him.

he looks up at me and i notice his eyes. they're red. he doesn't say anything to me. he just keeps walking. 

"michael," i say. 

"what?" he slurs. 

"are you drunk?"

"wouldn't you want to know," he snorts. "leave me alone."

"let me help you," i sigh and wrap my arm around his waist to direct him to the couch.

"why do you want to help me? you don't give a fuck about me."

"what?"

"you don't care for me," he chuckles. "aylen doesn't care for me."

"yes i do," i groan from his body weight and plop him on the couch. "i care for you a lot michael."

"nah," he nods his head. "if you did you'd be the one kissing me instead of ellie."

i don't say anything. i sit on the opposite couch and look at michael. he's sitting down. his eyes are blood shot red and his cheeks are pink. 

"did you even sleep?" i ask him.

"what is sleep? sleep is for the weak aylen."

"you need to sleep. let me go upstairs to get you a blanket and pillow."

"i'm fine," he shrugs. "i'm always fine aylen. or that's what i want people to think y'know? i love fooling people. i'm not okay aylen."

"what's wrong michael?"

"who cares? i mean it's me. it's michael. it's the guy that no one cares for. i'm the guy people ignore."

"i don't ignore you michael."

"oh but you do," he points at his chest. "you know aylen. i always had a thing for you and we both knew that. we didn't do anything about it right? i mean i ate you out but that's about it. but that's just it aylen. i want to do more. i want to love you the way my brother does. i want you to love me."

"michael," i sigh. "stop. you're drunk."

"let me talk," he say in between tears. "you said i didn't care for you before. aylen, you're literally the only person in the world that i actually truly care for. do you really think i give two shits about ellie? no. she terrifies me aylen. i want her gone. i don't want her in my life. i care for you so much. you see, i also care for ashton. so, how is this fair? it's not. it's also my fault. you know this is my fault to care for someone that i shouldn't. i love you aylen. i don't know why. maybe it's the way your green eyes contrast with the pink eyeshadow you're always rocking. or the way you always braid your hair into two tails. i just don't know. maybe it's the way you like your coffee. i don't fucking know aylen and it kills me to see you with him. i want you to look at me the way you look at him."

"i don't love ashton."

"but you're still with him and my feelings for you are so wrong. he is my fucking brother. i love my brother aylen. i don't want to lose him over a girl. you're special aylen. you make guys go head over heels over you and you don't know it."

"i do?"

"yes," he nods. "when you first moved here i kept hearing people talking about you. i didn't think much of it until i finally saw you with my own eyes and saw what people were talking about. aylen, you're so beautiful. you probably gave guys instant boners by just looking at them."

"micha-"

"let me talk," he interrupts me.

"okay," i nod and fiddle my fingers.

"you know the first time i saw you was in the cafeteria back when you were in high school. i was with calum and he said you were luke's friend. i asked luke about you and he said he liked you."

"luke likes me?"

"oh for fuck sakes," he groans. "you even told me before that he told you."

"yeah but i assumed the weed was talking for him."

"you're so close minded aylen. you don't see the true potential and beauty you give off. you're amazing and you're perfect for my brother which is why i decided to just let this go."

"let me go?"

"yeah," he half smiles. "i decided we were never going to happen so why even waste my feelings on someone that i know is not worth it? you'll always remind me of ashton and that's never good. i'm going to brake up with ellie and that doesn't mean you and i are going to do things. i just feel like it's time ellie and i separate. she's not good for me. you're also not good for me."

"okay," i nod. i'm shook.

"when i saw you go upstairs with ashton my blood boiled like crazy. i even made out with this random girl in the downstairs bathroom. i got completely hammered and feel asleep on the front porch."

"go to sleep upstairs."

"nah," he shakes his head. "why even bother? i'll probably pass out at any moment."

"did you also get drunk to tell me everything?"

"kinda. i also know i'm probably going to forget everything i said so."

 

__________

 

hi sorry i havent updated. college has been such a pain in the ass. also, omg ya'll i met 5sos when they came here in houston. my friend won a contest and omg they're so tall. 

\- you can find the picture on:  
cold-twilight.tumblr.com/tagged/face 

if you're interested. xx


	21. Chapter 21

ashton's pov

the downside of having a two story house is the sunlight waking you up. the sun fucking shines so bright at seven in the morning everyday and i'm tired of it. i turn and turn my body across my mattress trying to get myself comfortable. unfortunately, i removed my curtains to set them up in michael's studio and never bought some more. 

i reach out for aylen to hold her closer to me but i don't feel her. i noticed her clothes folded on the corner of my room. she's still here. she probably went to the restroom or something. i sit up and rub my eyes. my head is killing me. i didn't even drink that much yesterday, or did i?

"are you drunk?" i hear aylen ask someone. i quickly open my door and stick my head out. i see her and michael having a conversation in the front entrance.

"wouldn't you want to know," he giggles. "leave me alone."

"let me help you," i hear aylen say. i walk closer to the stairs and see her helping him sit on the couch. michael looks completely hammered. this is really odd, he never drinks.

"why do you want to help me? you don't give a fuck about me."

"yes i do," aylen groans as she sets him on the couch. "i care for you a lot michael."

why the hell is michael hammered? why are there people passed out on the living room floor? 

"nah," he shakes his head. "if you did you'd be the one kissing me instead of ellie."

um, what? i grip the stair pole tightly. what the hell does he mean kissing him? at least aylen isn't saying anything back. it gives me more reassurance. 

i observe aylen's body language as she stares at michael with such care. her face looks so soft, her hair is a mess, and she looks so good with my clothes on. 

"did you even sleep?" she asks him.

"what is sleep? sleep is for the weak aylen," michael laughs.

"you need to sleep. let me go upstairs to get you a blanket and pillow."

i quickly panic. i don't want her to know i was ase dropping. 

"i'm fine," michael assures her. i calm down as i hear him say those two words. i sit and look back down at them. "i'm always fine aylen. or that's what i want people to think y'know? i love fooling people. i'm not okay aylen."

"what's wrong michael?"

"who cares? i mean it's me. it's michael. it's the guy that no one cares for. i'm the guy people ignore."

why is he talking this way? he knows i care for him. i show him that i care. does he really think no one cares? i always try my best to spend time with him when i'm not busy with school, work, and aylen.

"i don't ignore you michael."

"oh but you do," he points at his chest. "you know aylen. i always had a thing for you and we both knew that. we didn't do anything about it right? i mean i ate you out but that's about it. but that's just it aylen. i want to do more. i want to love you the way my brother does. i want you to love me."

i stand up and try to calm myself down. did he just say he ate out my girlfriend? he actually saw aylen naked? he touched my girlfriend? he likes aylen? and aylen knew? she allowed him to do those things to her? 

"michael," she sighs. "stop. you're drunk."

is he making this up? did he actually do that to her? i feel like he's just talking about a dream. or he's just saying random shit drunk people always say.

"let me talk," michael attempts to say. he's crying. "you said i didn't care for you before. aylen, you're literally the only person in the world that i actually truly care for. do you really think i give two shits about ellie? no. she terrifies me aylen. i want her gone. i don't want her in my life. i care for you so much. you see, i also care for ashton. so, how is this fair? it's not. it's also my fault. you know this is my fault to care for someone that i shouldn't. i love you aylen. i don't know why. maybe it's the way your green eyes contrast with the pink eyeshadow you're always rocking. or the way you always braid your hair into two tails. i just don't know. maybe it's the way you like your coffee. i don't fucking know aylen and it kills me to see you with him. i want you to look at me the way you look at him."

i stare at aylen as she hears what michael is telling her. i'm not sure if she feels pity for him or if she feels sorry for herself. i don't know what to think. my step brother likes my girlfriend and knows it's wrong. should i confront him? 

"i don't love ashton," red whispers to michael.

my heart sinks as i hear her say that to him. i sit back down on the floor and try to restrain myself from crying. i love this girl.

"but you're still with him and my feelings for you are so wrong. he is my fucking brother. i love my brother aylen. i don't want to lose him over a girl. you're special aylen. you make guys go head over heels over you and you don't know it."

"i do?"

is she blind? she's literally the prettiest girl i have ever laid my eyes on. so many guys back in high school talked about her.

"yes," he confirms. "when you first moved here i kept hearing people talking about you. i didn't think much of it until i finally saw you with my own eyes and saw what people were talking about. aylen, you're so beautiful. you probably gave guys instant boners by just looking at them."

"micha-"

"let me talk," he interrupts her.

"okay."

"you know the first time i saw you was in the cafeteria back when you were in high school. i was with calum and he said you were luke's friend. i asked luke about you and he said he liked you."

even fucking luke hemmings likes my girlfriend. who else likes her? fucking calum?

"luke likes me?"

"oh for fuck sakes," he groans. "you even told me before that he told you."

when did luke tell aylen? what else could she possibly be hiding from me? 

"yeah but i was just thinking the weed was talking for him."

"you're so close minded aylen. you don't see the true potential and beauty you give off. you're amazing and you're amazing for my brother which is why i decided to just let this go."

"let me go?"

why does she sound so upset? this is a good thing. he isn't going to bother her anymore. 

"yeah. i decided we were never going to happen so why even waste my feelings on someone that i know is not worth it? you'll always remind me of ashton and that's never good. i'm going to brake up with ellie and that doesn't mean you and i are going to do things. i just feel like it's time ellie and i separate. she's not good for me. you're also not good for me."

i like ellie. i always saw her as a younger sister. her and michael have been together for so long. i always saw her as a good influence on him. she doesn't smoke or drink. 

"okay," aylen nods. 

"when i saw you go upstairs with ashton my blood boiled like crazy. i even made out with this random girl in the downstairs bathroom. i got completely hammered and feel asleep on the front porch."

i don't think i can keep listening to this. i walk down the stairs slowly. 

"go to sleep upstairs," red suggests.

"nah," michael refuses. "why even bother? i'll probably pass out at any moment."

"did you also get drunk to tell me everything?"

"kinda. i also know i'm probably going to forget everything i said so."

"i wish i was buzzed," aylen giggles. "i don't want to remember this conversation."

"me too," i smile at both of them and cross my arms. "what the fuck is going on here?"

_______________

aylen's pov

i can feel the hairs on my arm raise up as i hear ashton's voice coming down the stairs. his arms are folded across his chest and he looks pissed. i look at michael that's currently looking at me with wide eyes.

"we're just talking," i smile. hopefully he didn't hear anything that was said.

"oh really? about what?"

"she's lecturing me about drinking," michael replies.

"oh," ashton smiles. "because that's not what i heard. can we talk aylen?"

"now?" i ask him. 

"yes. now."

"wait," michael sighs. "i know what you're going to talk to her about."

"yeah?" 

"mhm."

"then speak," ashton encourages michael. 

"you're going to talk to her about me. i know you overheard us. but let me just say your girlfriend gives one hell of a blowjob," michael laughs.

"michael!" i groan annoyed.

"what the hell did you say?" ashton charges towards him.

michael stands up from the couch and faces ashton. i don't know what to do. there are people passed out on the floor. 

"i didn't give him a blowjob," i tell ashton.

"but she wanted to," michael adds on. "i just didn't let her."

"he's lying ash."

"tell me why i shouldn't beat your ass right now!" ashton screams at michael.

"it would be pointless really if i already did what i wanted with her," he shrugs.

what?

ashton punches michael right on the left side of his face. michael falls to the table and doesn't stand up. 

"what the fuck ashton?!" michael groans.

"don't you ever disrespect my girlfriend like that ever again you piece of shit."

"ashton," i gasp and run to michael. "are you okay michael?"

"are you fucking serious right now?!" he shouts annoyed. "did you not just hear what he said?"

"i do have ears yes."

i look around the living room and the people that were asleep are awake. 

"what's going on?" one of them yawn.

"we are talking about this later," ashton says before he storms off upstairs.


	22. Chapter 22

"are you sure this doesn't mean anything to you?"

"nah," i assure him. "i just really needed this to take my mind off things. you understand, right? this means nothing."

"sure," he shrugs as he kisses my neck. "are you up for round two?"

"calm down tiger. i have to get going. my aunt wants me to help her cook later. my grandpa is staying this weekend and i want to see him when he arrives."

"you'll call me later then?"

"maybe," i yawn as i tie my shoes. 

"have you talked to raven lately?"

what the hell is up with all this small talk? usually guys fall asleep when we finish having sex. why did i have to give him a hand job at the parking lot? i should've just gone home after my shift was finished. 

"not really. she's been pretty busy in la."

"right," he nods. "should i walk you out?"

"i think i remember where the door is," i smile. "i'll see ya."

"aylen," natt calls for me before i open his dorm door.

"yeah?"

"thank you."

"for what?"

"popping my cherry," he giggles. "i guess."

"sure," i snort and leave the dorm.

never in my right mind did i ever think i'd ever sleep with they guy raven tried hooking me up with at my 18th birthday. i was about to head to my aunt's car when i saw him put up the shopping cart on the side of the shop. he looked familiar from far away but i couldn't really make up his face. until, he turned and looked at me. he smiled and waved. i waved back and we talked. one thing led to another i gave him a hand job inside my aunt's car as i drove us to his dorm.

he didn't mind considering he was a virgin. it felt nice sleeping with someone that had no idea what they were doing. it was sweet when he would keep asking me if he was doing okay. i'll give him a six out of ten. i also felt sorta bad he was taking the bus. why not give him a ride to his dorm as i pleasured him? every mans dream.

i should probably consider having a dorm here at my uni since it's an hour from my aunt's house. i do get tired waking up four before my actual class just to get here on time. also, morning traffic to get here fucking blows. it's just all over the place.

it's seven in the afternoon and valentine's day is tomorrow. i guess i'm never going to give ashton that collage of us i made. i should probably throw it away or something. literally no point of keeping it. he hasn't bothered texting or calling me ever since the michael incident. 

it's pretty hard to ignore me since we do have classes together but he manages to do it. he just sits more far up the rows then where we usually used to. i don't care honestly. i like my seat.

he said he wanted to talk to me about it, but it's been four days already and nothing? i don't get boys. 

______

"sorry i'm lat-," i begin explain as i open the front door of my aunt's house but stop immediately as i see a stranger on the couch. "hi." 

"hi," he smiles and stands up. "your aunt and grandad have gone to the farmers market to get some tomatoes for the sauce. she let me stay since i don't like the cold very much."

"oh," i nod. "sorry, but who are you?"

"i'm dan. i take care of your grandfather now. your family in georgia hired me to keep an eye on him during the night."

"so you stay with him?"

"yeah. just to make sure he doesn't do anything that can cause him harm. your father informed me that he's been sleep walking after your nana passed."

"i didn't know," i frown.

"oh," he puckers his lips. "well it's only been recent. maybe your aunt hasn't informed you to not worry you. nothing to worry about. i'm here for his protection."

"but why are you here with him now if we're here to help him out at night?"

"he invited me."

"he must trust you a lot then. sit down please," i suggest. "i'm tired from work."

"your aunt did say you were working," he smiles and sits on the couch across from me.

"did they walk to the farmers market? i mean i have her car. i work at a grocery store she could've texted me." 

"they did walk and um you said you had extra hours to take so she wasn't sure how long that was and just went." 

"it's freezing outside and she took my grandpa with her out there?"

"she said the shop is like five minutes away. they should be on their way back now."

"wait, how did you guys get here? your flight was supposed to be here around ten."

"we got an earlier flight. your grandad wanted to get here as soon as possible. your aunt called informing us that you were at work so we took a cab here."

"fuck," i groan and cover my face with my hands embarrassed. "i feel awful."

"it's fine," he assures me. "your name is aylen, correct?"

"yeah, it is. i'm sorry but do you want some water or something?"

"i'm okay."

"so how old are you? like how did my family find you? you look pretty young."

"i'm twenty two," he smirks. "i'm studying to be a nurse so my mom thinks i'm qualified for this. she talked to your uncle about me and one thing let to another and yeah. i sleep during the day sometimes and take online classes at night."

"is that why you don't look like death right now?"

"i guess so," he smiles. 

dan is pretty cute. his hair is sort of in a fringe kind of style. he has two moles on the right side of his face and when he smiles it looks like a sad face is forming. 

"you got a girlfriend dan?" i ask him.

"me?" 

"mhm. are you single?"

"why do you ask?"

"is it an inappropriate question?"

"no," he shakes his head. "sorry it just took me off guard. yeah. i'm no seeing anyone. are you?" 

"um n-"

"we're here," my aunt interrupts me. she has two bags filled with vegetables and other junk. followed my grandfather behind her. i get out of the couch and hug him tightly. 

"hi," i greet him. "how was the flight? i'm sorry i had a few hours added to my shift. i didn't know you'd get here so early."

"yeah well," he smiles. "i just wanted to get here as soon as possible. i missed you two."

"we missed you also. let me just change out of my work clothes and i'll be back."

________

dan is doing homework on my laptop since he forgot his back in atlanta. i'm sitting next to him as i doodle in my sketch book.

i hear a knock at my door and see my grandpa with his pajamas already on. 

"i'm heading to bed."

"goodnight," i say to him.

"goodnight aylen," he kisses my cheek and leaves my room. 

"you know he always talks about you," dan says to me.

"does he?"

"all the time. i feel like i practically know you by all the stories he's told me."

"hopefully good stories."

"you could say that," he smiles.

 

"what did he say?" 

"just that you were always a badass bitch."

"my grandpa said i'm a badass bitch?" i laugh. 

"well from what he's told me i can only assume you are. he said you took self defense classes at the age of fifteen."

"oh yeah. um i was with my little cousin one day at the park alone and this guy came up to me from behind and touched me. thankfully, i acted quickly and just kicked him in the balls and ran away from him with my cousin."

"oh," he frowns. "i'm sorry."

"it was just a wake up call y'know? there are some fucked up people out there in the world. after that my dad gave me a taser just incase." 

"so you always have it on you?"

"fuck yeah," i nod and point to my taser that's on top of my desk. "i have it close by just in case."

"that's good. people should always be alarmed of their surroundings."

"exactly. you never know what kind of creeps linger around."

"what are you sketching?" dan asks me as he looks over my sketch book.

"nothing," i smile nervously and cover up what i'm drawing.

"c'mon," he giggles and takes it from me. "who's this?"

 

"just this guy," i shrug. 

my stomach flips as he turns more pages in. 

"just some guy huh? you must love drawing him then. he's all over this thing."

 

"sometimes i draw him without realizing it," i confess.

"who is he? he must be important to you."

"he's my ex boyfriends step brother." 

"oh. ya'll fucked on the low?" he laughs.

"shut up," i roll my eyes and take away my sketchbook from him.

"i'm not judging."

"kinda are daniel," i say to him and scrunch my nose.

"i mean it's normal to fall in love with the brother."

"i'm not in love with anyone."

"sure aylen," he snorts and gets back to doing homework.


	23. Chapter 23

"do you think humans have a purpose after this? like what even is the point of these wars and hatred if we're all going to die in the end? why can't we all just be happy with what we have?" dan asks me.

"i always think about things like that. it's crazy how little we know and yet we think we know it all."

"when i was little i used to think everyone liked everyone. i would always think positive about every situation."

"i think everyone was raised that way. you think everything is all peaches and cream as a child and then... you grow up and reality fucks you up."

"you know aylen," he yawns and looks up at the stars. "sometimes life just hits you like a train but doesn't mean it's always going to be like that. sure, you might think life is pointless and not worth it at some point but it is. when i was your age i was kinda tired of doing the same thing over and over again. i felt like i was wasting my youth on nothing."

"when you were my age?" i burst out laughing. "you're acting like that was ages ago. you're just three years older than me."

"you know what i mean," he rolls his eyes. "i'm trying to pour my soul out to you and you're making this hard."

"sorry," i smile at him and lay my head on his shoulder. it's valentine's day and i decided to show him around and ended up in a park. my aunt and grandpa are out in the city doing some shopping. we walked to the nearest park and got lost in nature. we're sitting down on a bench as we see the moon glow up at us.

"why did you move here? you grandad said he didn't really know the reason."

"um," i cough. "it's complicated."

"how so?"

"i mean i moved states for what i did. it was pretty shitty dan."

"i'm curious," he puckers his lower lip. "please tell me. it's not like i'll tell anyone."

"and how do i not know that?"

"if i ever did tell someone they won't know you so who cares?"

i roll my eyes. should i really trust someone i just met yesterday? fuck it.

"fine," i groan and sit up. "promise you won't tell a soul."

"i promise."

"i swear to god dan if i find out you told someone i will personally hunt you down an-"

"oh just tell me," he nudges me.

"almost two years ago i thought i was in love. i still don't know if i was since i haven't really found someone that i felt the same way for. i'm pretty weird when it comes to love or anything related to it yet, i love the idea of love. i always wanted to be that girl that had that movie cliche kind of love. i'm just not that girl and i just have to live with it i guess. anyways, the guy's name is carlos. he was a sophomore in high school and i was a freshman."

"gotta love those older guys aye," he chuckles.

"you have no idea."

"continue."

"um, well, so carlos happened for a good two years until it was his last year of high school. i had a best friend by the name of jackie. my dad was the best friend of her dad. we grew up together and were inseparable."

"let me guess she fucked your boyfriend."

"there you go," i high five him. "the bitch fucked him."

"what does that have to do with you moving?"

"well," i half smile. "i didn't know about their hookups until one day a group of people from my school showed me pictures of them having sex."

"how did they have those pictures?"

"the bitch sent them to people around the school."

"what did you do?"

"i got her back."

"that bad? bad enough for you to move?"

"yes," i nod. "i kinda, sorta, slept with her dad."

"no," he gasps. 

"yep. i recorded it all and sent it to her. i wanted that bitch to know not to fuck with me. once you mess with me i will hit harder ten times that."

"that was bold of you aylen."

"she did sleep with carlos over four times."

"so you slept with her dad more than once?"

"maybe twenty times," i shrug. "he was hot."

"wait, didn't you say he was your dad's best friend?"

"and there it is. that's the reason why he kicked me out of the house. the bitch told my dad and the next day all my things were packed in bags."

"was it worth it?"

"yes," i nod honestly. "i mean her dad and i used to mess around when i spent the night but never actually slept together."

"what did your dad do to him when he found out?"

"what do you think? he reported him to the police for sleeping with a minor. i was sixteen at the time. he got like five years in jail. he has three more and he's free."

"that's so crazy."

"i mean it's whatever honestly. i like it here. i have met amazing people. i don't regret any of it. i had fun while sucking his dick, who really cares?"

"how old is her dad?"

"i think 34."

"oh god," he coughs.

"are you going to judge me now? this is why i don't tell people the reason why i moved."

"nah," he shrugs. "i've done worse in college."

"oh yeah? like?"

"well i did suck professors dick for a passing grade on my final test. i'm straight."

"nice," i high five him. "we're both fucked up."


	24. Chapter 24

"alright," i sigh. "stay here."

"are you sure?" luke asks me. 

"i won't take long. i just need to leave this box in front of the house then we get the fuck out of here."

"this is so extra aylen. just talk it out with ashton."

"no it's okay. he's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me."

"i'm leaving you here," he threatens. "go talk to him. it's been three weeks."

"you leave me here and i will throw eggs at your car hemmings."

"fine," he rolls his eyes. "hurry."

"i will," i assure him as i get out of his car.

i decided it was time to give ashton his things back. he gave me so many things and i just don't have the heart to keep them. it doesn't feel right. i sigh to myself as i walk up the stairs. i set the box on the welcome mat and look at the wooden front door. 

"hi red," ashton says from the window of the living room.

"um," is all i say.

"luke told me you were coming by. so i just waited for you here."

i look back at luke's car and find him smiling at me. "bye aylen!"

"fuck you!" i shout at him as he drives off. he fucking left me here. what a dick.

"hey," ashton smiles as he opens the front door. "come in."

"i'm okay. i'll just walk home."

"come in," he says again.

"fine," i huff.

i walk past him and look around the living room. ashton hugs me from behind and kisses my neck. 

"i missed you."

"what?" i say confused and turn to face him. he looks down at me and looks deep into my eyes. 

"i missed you."

"but why? what i said to michael was completely inappropriate." 

"let's go talk in my room."

"okay," i nod. he takes my hand in his and guides me up the stairs. we walk past michael's room and finally reach ashton's room. his room is a complete mess for once. usually it would be a bit tidy. his bed has no sheets and clothes is scattered all across the wooden floors. 

"no ones home," he informs me.

"oh."

"sit," he smiles.

i sit on the bed and look up at him. he doesn't do or say anything. he's just looking at me. he cut his hair again. it's really short. this is the shortest i think i have ever seen his hair. you can still see the curls forming upfront. he looks really good.

"i like your haircut," i say to him.

"thanks," he giggles. "i wasn't sure if i liked it at first. i guess it's growing on me now."

"it looks nice."

"right," he nods and sits next to me. "come here."

i wasn't sure what he meant by that until he grabs a hold of my arm and embraces me. i can feel his heart beating. i wrap my arms around his neck and he's laying on mine. i can hear him crying but i don't say anything about it.

"i love you," he whispers to me. 

"i know you do," i sigh and rub his back. "i don't deserve your love ashton."

"i know and this is why it sucks. i know i shouldn't love you but i just can't help it."

"i do care about you."

"you just don't love me," he frowns. 

an upset ashton is never a good thing to witness. it was never something i was used to seeing so it always made me feel weird seeing this side of him. usually he is the sunshine that glows in any room. his smile is so big and pure and i adore that so much about him.

"our relationship was nice ashton. you made me smile and laugh. you're such a sweet boy to me. what i did was shit and i really do not deserve a boy like you."

"you let michael eat you out aylen," he sobs. 

"ashton," i whisper and try to touch his cheek but he backs away from me.

"you fucking cheated on me!" he shouts. "i was literally the best fucking boyfriend aylen! what the fuck?"

"ashton," i say again.

ashton has never raised his voice at me before. i sorta expected this reaction from him. i don't blame him at all. i stand from the bed and look around the room trying to figure out what to say. 

"it wasn't supposed to happen ashton."

"but it did aylen. i already had this talk with michael. he didn't remember what he told you."

"he didn't?" 

"no," he shakes his head. "he was confused when i asked him about it. after you went home i left him on the floor. he woke up and came to my room. you know what he asked me? he asked me for a piece of gum from a vomit after taste. he vomited in the front porch. i had to clean up his mess after he confessed his love for my girlfriend."

"he doesn't remember?" i say to myself. he doesn't remember telling me he loved me? surely people remember when they confess their love to someone.

"does that upset you?" he asks me. "you're fucking unbelievable aylen! i'm trying to have a mature conversation about what happened and you're completely ignoring this."

"i'm not upset," i lie. "i'm just surprised he doesn't remember saying something like that."

"because?"

"i don't know," i shrug.

"you have feelings for him don't you."

"what?"

"you have feelings for michael. admit it."

"i'm not going admit something i'm not sure of."

"but you do know it can be a possibility," he half smiles. "god am i a fucking idiot. i knew i shouldn't of trusted you guys being alone. i mean i always liked the idea of my girlfriend getting along with my brother but not this fucking way."

"there's no reason for me to have feelings for michael!" i blow up at him. "we are just friends ashton. there's no reason for me to be feeling this way about michael if we've done nothing to cause feelings. did we mess around? okay, yes. why? i don't know! maybe it was just in the moment. but do i care for michael? sure. he's my friend and i care for him the way i care for luke, or raven. he is just a friend."

"when are you going to stop lying to yourself aylen?" he asks me. "you clearly have feeling for the kid. why else would you get him concert tickets to a band you don't care that much about? or even bother looking at his stupid fucking pictures?"

"his pictures aren't stupid," i slur. "he is fucking talented! he deserves the satisfaction of knowing he's good! people need to know he's good. he needs to know he's good. his skills can make him do something with his life."

"do you really think michael will make it as a photographer? photographers don't make a lot of money aylen. it's a waste of time. his mom has told him this multiple times already."

"he loves taking pictures. let him take pictures. it's not hurting anyone."

"of course you'll support him," he rolls his eyes. "you're just like him."

"oh really?" 

"yeah. you and your stupid little paintings are a waste of time also. do you really think you can make money out of those things?"

"i didn't intend to sell my art."

"good because frankly they're not that great."

i can feel myself getting tense. i try my best to control myself but completely fail as i realize i slap ashton across the face.

"keep your fucking things," i point to the box that's filled with ashton's clothes and gifts. "i'm happy michael and i messed around because frankly i don't want to be with someone that thinks my drawings are crap."

"fine," he huffs. "frankly i don't want to be someone that doesn't know how to close her legs".


	25. Chapter 25

"you know we only met two hours ago and i already know what your underwear looks like," calum giggles.

"you've met her so many times before cal," luke rolls his eyes.

"yeah, but we never really hung out or even talked! like we're always surrounded by people. technically it's like i don't know her at all."

"stop moving your lips and start moving furniture," i remind them.

i decided it was time to finally update my room. it was always so dull looking and it's been giving me such a sad feeling after the break up. luke, calum, and i went into the town and found some garage sales going on in rich neighborhoods. i bought so many shelves, christmas lights, and mugs i put small fake plants into. i hung up some old frames and pictures i had up in my room that my brothers sent me in the mail. 

luke brought me some old yarn and bulletin boards he had around his house for me. he said his mom retired from teaching so she isn't going to use any of it. calum and i got old newspaper articles some old couple gave us with the shelves and glued them together.

i really wanted to keep my yellow, brown, and orange theme to keep happening in my room. that whole family of colors relaxes me so much. since college is stressing me the fuck i decided it was time to finally get my head out of the books and fix up my room. 

 

as i hang up old childhood pictures i can't help but get a little choked up. i miss my grandmother very much. i try to constantly distract myself so i don't think of her much. i guess the distractions help me a little. she was one of my favorite people ever. her sense of humor was very similar to mine and we would always laugh about the dumbest things.

"is this your mom?" calum asks me as he picks up a picture from my bed and shows me.

"yeah," i smile. "she was my age in that picture. my grandma gave it to me when i turned 13."

"she looks just like you."

"you think so? i think it's just the freckles."

"is she still hot?" he giggles.

"dude," luke thuds him.

"no luke," i caress his arm. "he doesn't know."

"know what?" calum asks confused. "did i say something wrong?"

"no," i assure him. "um, my mom is dead, that's all."

"oh," he coughs embarrassed. "i'm sorry i didn't know." 

"i know you didn't calum. you're fine. i never met her. i just know how she looked liked from old pictures my dad and grandparents have. she died when giving birth. she was really weak from the start and i guess the pressure from having three kids really got to her."

"okay," luke says awkwardly. "well, i guess we should get going."

"are you sure? i was about to make some hot cocoa." 

"what's the hold up?" calum asks luke. "we don't have anywhere to go. let's drink some hot chocolate and pet the dog."

"we need to get going cal," he says more stern and gets calum by the arm. "c'mon."

"are you okay luke?" i ask him worried.

"yeah.. it's ju-"

a knock coming from the front door interrupts luke mid sentence. i sigh and walk to the living room to see who it could be. luke and calum follow me and stop to see who is on the other side of the door.

"hi," michael half smiles. 

he dyed his hair again. it's bright red today. the color makes his eyes look brighter if that was even possible.

"okay," i hear luke say to caum. "now we really have to go."

"right," calum nods scratching his face. "bye aylen."

"bye aylen," luke also dismisses himself.

i wave at them as they drive away from my house. michael made himself at home and sits on the couch.

"what brings you here?" i ask him as i lock the door and sit down on the opposite side of the room. 

"i finally have the courage to talk to you about what happened a month ago."

"has it really been a month?" i ask if i wasn't counting the days as well.

"mhm," he nods. "i haven't had the balls to text or even see you since. i am honestly so sorry for being the reason for you and ashton's break up. i really did not intend this to happen." 

"it was bound to happen," i shrug. "relationships don't last forever. he's told me before that he doesn't believe in permanent things so i'm assuming he thought i was a temporary fling."

"he loves you aylen."

"loving someone doesn't mean they're in love with you michael. they're two different things. he probably loves who i am but he's not in love with me. you know what i mean?"

"i'm in love with you aylen," michael says softly. "i've been thinking about this for some time now and i finally decided it was time to tell you sober. the first time i told you i didn't want to say wasted."

"michael," i sigh. "please just please don't."

"no aylen. listen to me. i am in love with you and i don't fucking know why. i just know that i do. i love your orange hair. i love your pink eye shadow that you wear everyday. that's the reason i even dyed my hair pink in the first place. it reminded me of those eyes of yours. i love that you're so passionate about drawing as i am about photography. i love that we share the same love for vanilla coffee. i love that you're the reason that i met my favorite band. i just love you as a person. i know that you care for me too. i told you these things when i was wasted out of my mind and now i am telling you completely sober. just know that this is real."

"you're not supposed to be in love with me."

"i know," he cries. "i know it's wrong but what do you want me to fucking do about this? i've been rocking my brains out all this month trying to make myself not love you aylen. i've felt dead this past month knowing what i said caused a big issue. i've hurt myself so many times to make sure i pay for what i did."

"you hurt yourself?" i gasp knowing exactly what he means. "michael."

"aylen," he chokes. "i've inflicted pain on myself for so long. it doesn't really do much for me anymore. it's not like i did it for you. i always like the way the blade felt on my skin."

"no!" 

i quickly move to the couch he is sitting on and take a hold of his hands. he's cold. i kiss his knuckles and lay his hand on my face.

"do not do that to yourself again."

"it's not that easy."

he is full on sobbing at this point. tears are falling down as he looks at me with sad eyes. 

"i've been trying to stop for months. i've done it for so long that sometimes i crave that feeling."

"i can help you," i assure him. "we can get through this together."

"you don't want to help someone that's now worth your time aylen."

"you're worth every minute of my life michael. let me help you."

"i love you," he says to me one more time. 

i don't say anything to him. i do not have the strength to say it back. i know i care for michael in a different way than most of my friends. i just don't fully know if it's even close to being in love. i've never been in love so i have no idea how the feeling is. instead of saying it out loud i show him by kissing away all the tears. i kiss his cheeks, his hands, the little bit of skin that's showing on his chest area, and lastly, his lips.


	26. Chapter 26

3 months later

the crystal elevator is making me feel sick. i can see all the wires from the elevator and it's bringing me horror film vibes. my aunt finally found a date online and she's freakishly nervous. she begged me and luke to join her just in case the guy is a creep.

luke and i agreed and are on our way to the restaurant. it's sorta fancy so i dress for the occasion, like wear a dress and heels. took a while to convince luke to clean up as well (he only had to shave but bitched about it the whole time he was shaving). now, clothes wise, he only had one white formal long sleeve shirt in his closet from two years ago. thankfully it still fit him. 

luke takes a hold of my hand to act 'casual' and leads me to where the host is at. we give him a polite smile as he greets us. 

"table for two," luke says to the man.

"of course," the host nods. "a table will be free in maybe about twenty minutes."

oh.

"um," luke coughs. "no, no."

"luke," i tug at him. "it's fine. we can wait."

"aylen," he smiles. "please."

luke removes his hand from mine and into his pocket to take out his wallet. i see a twenty dollar bill in his hand and slip into the hosts podium.

"i think we're going to get a table now," luke winks at the guy.

"of course sir," the host nods.

"oh and can we have the table right next to hers," he points to my aunt and her date.

"sure," the host says confused.

"c'mon," luke smiles at me and leads me to our table.

i never imagined this state to have anything fancy. usually the fanciest place around our small town is the small restaurant that's inside a hotel fifteen minutes away. everybody goes there for birthday dinners (so i hear).

this place was pretty far from where we live. since my aunts date lives a little bit farther from the city he picked her up and brought her here. the ceiling is covered with chandleries and the lights are super dim. sorta makes me feel like i'm at a hollister. 

"are we really going to eat?" luke whispers to me.

"i don't know," i shrug honestly. "all of this is expensive and i'm broke as fuck."

"same," he snorts. "i say we share a dessert and leave."

"deal," i nod.

these deserts don't even sound good. most of these words i can't even pronounce. like what in the world is a cherry clafoutis? i would honestly just eat a cheesecake and call it a day.

luke orders for us as i look up and see my aunt laughing with her date. she seems very happy. at least the guy doesn't look like a complete creep. according to my aunt he's a professor at my university and he teaches college algebra, has his own apartment and owns two dogs. i just really hope it works out with him. i really want to meet his dogs.

"so what's new?" luke asks me.

"with me?"

"i mean," he rolls his eyes.

"um," i think. "well, for one i'm glad i started running again. i put on so much weight while i was dealing with the drama i had going on. i also did pretty freaking good on my social science final."

"i don't care about all of that aylen. i just want the dirt on you and michael. are you guys a thing or not?"

michael. oh my complicated boy.

"i can and cannot confirm wether or not michael and i are a thing. i don't even know myself." 

"bullshit!"

"i am not bullshitting!" i giggle. "we haven't labeled anything. we haven't really talked about us in that way as of now. we're just enjoying each other's company."

"and ashton is okay with all of this?" 

"i'd hope so," i shrug. "it's been like four months since we broke up. i mean i've been meaning to talk to him about all of this."

"you know you're not."

"i know," i sigh. "but i know i need to and that's something. i mean michael's parents are kinda iffy about us and i understand completely."

"that's awkward. they know you banged both of them."

"michael and i haven't um," i try to explain but don't even bother going into detail. 

"wait... you and michael haven't had sex yet?"

"no," i shrug. "we haven't really gotten to it."

"interesting," he murmurs.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"nothing. just weird."

"i mean i'd want to be with him that way. he just says he doesn't want to rush things."

"the guy has been in love with you since the first time he saw you. how has he not want to have sex with you?"

"i mean we lead to it but never really go to it.. if that makes sense?"

"ah yes," he smiles. "oral."

"stop!" i shush him hoping my aunt doesn't hear our conversation.

"does my boy have a big dick?"

"i'm not answering that," i snort. 

i also don't want to tell him that i've never seen michael naked. i mean we've touched each other but i have never seen the whole thing. michael is very insecure with his body and rather have the lights very dim or completely off when we become intimate with one another. i don't mind. i respect his wishes and if he isn't comfortable with me seeing him naked yet, then so be it.

the dessert arrives as i begin to daydream about michael. i take small bites of the dessert as i think about his lips kissing the side of my breast. the sound of his soft moans escaping his lips as i work him up with my hand. the way he smiles when i compliment his photography. 

i can feel myself smile like an idiot as i take a drink of my water. luke looks at me curiously and i just shrug. michael makes me very happy. 

 

_______

 

hi sorry i didn't update these past few weeks. the election results really fucked with my head. also, i just didn't know what to write. but here's a little filler. hopefully you guys can forgive me for my small absence.


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